COSMO, PRINCE OF DENMARK
by
Les Barker


The guard, high on the battlements
Of royal Elsinore
Saw the ghost of one departed,
The king of days before;
A knife deep in his chest,
His face with pain was wracked;
'This dagger was my son's,' he cried;
'I was helping him with his act.'

Cosmo, Prince of Denmark;
Hamlet's younger brother,
Killed Rosencrantz and Guildenstren,
His uncle and his mother.
It was the evil, cunning, Claudius
Who ended the king's life
When he said to little Cosmo,
'Merry Christmas; here's a knife.'

Cosmo tried out slings and arrows,
And Hamlet bore the scars
Before he made an outrageous fortune
Out of his cigars.
Cosmo, Prince of Denmark,
With practised flick of practised wrist,
Took arms against a sea of troubles
And missed.

It was curtains for Polonius;
He came crashing to the ground
With a knife straight through the arras;
Serves him right for turning round.
Cosmo killed Laertes' father
But his sister went to ground;
She jumped into the river
And he missed her... but she drowned.

Then they stood beside the grave,
Horatio and the kid;
'Alas poor Yorick; I knew him, Horatio;'
'Yes, he looks as if you did.'
And there are characters in other plays
That Cosmo did to death;
Remember poor King Duncan?
Bet you thought it was Macbeth;

It was Cosmo, Prince of Denmark;
He got out his knife and fork
And sliced up Francis Bacon
And half the House of York.
Cosmo, Prince of Denmark;
Not the best of men at darts;
The reason English kings
Often come in several parts.

Again in Julius Caesar,
Don't heed his dying call;
Though he said 'Et tu Brute?'
It wasn't him at all.
Cosmo, Prince of Denmark
Practising at home
Aimed at Copenhagen
But the knife came down in Rome.

It was Cosmo, Prince of Denmark
Who sent him to the grave,
And the Latin 'Et tu Brute'
Just means 'Where's my aftershave?'
Oberon, Titania;
They all went for the chop;
It was unfortunate for Bottom;
Cosmo went for double top.

But soft, what knife through yonder window breaks?
Poor Juliet, cried, intense;
'Wherefore art thou, Romeo?'
'I'm impaled against this fence.'
Cosmo looked at all the carnage,
And, remorseful for the dead,
He attempted suicide
And killed King Richard's horse instead.

And in a land beyond Tintagel
Lies a lake shrouded in mists,
Where a hand holds up a sword
And a voice cries, 'Who threw this?'

https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Cosmo_Prince_of_Denmark.htm