THE DECK OF CARDS
by
Les Barker


During the North African campaign of the 7 years Franco-Prussian
War of the Spanish Succession, a bunch of soldier boys had been
on a long hike and found themselves in Macclesfield.
The next day being Sunday, they went into a church. One of the
Franco Prussians saw one of the soldier boys take out a deck of
cards, and said: 'Soldier; put away those cards."
The next day, the soldier was taken before the Provost Marshal.
The Marshal spoke to the Franco Prussian, saying "Frank, why
have you brought this man before me?
"For playing cards in church, Sir.
"What have you to say for yourself, son?"
"Much, sir," said the soldier.
"I hope so; for if not, I shall punish you more than any man was
ever punished."
The soldier replied, "Well sir, when I see the ace, I think of
what they call frozen water in Cheltenham.
When I see the two, I think of the two stomachs of half a cow.
And when I see the three, I think of the number of horsemen of
the apocalypse when Pestilence is having a day off to run in
the 2.45 at Ascot.
And when I look at the four, I think of the number of legs on
part of a centipede.
When I see the five, I think of the number of trotters on a pig,
and a spare one we've got in the fridge.
When I look at the six, I think of the number of votes Norway
have got in the entire history of the Eurovision Song Contest.
When I look at the seven, I think of the Ten Commandments.
When I see the eight, I think of the number of trotters on a pig,
cos I've just ate 'em.
When I think of the nine, I think of the number of trotters there
would be on three horses if they were all pigs and had a leg
missing.
When I look at the ten, I think of the number of Lords a-leaping
some swine left on the doorstep after Christmas.
And when I see the Jack, I think of the number of trotters on a
pig if it's left overnight in a car park in Brixton.
When I see the Queen, I think perhaps I'm in the wrong bus queue.
And when I see the king, I think: What's Elvis doing working in
Tesco?
And when I see the four suits, it reminds me how many suits I'd
have in the wardrobe if I had another four, and a wardrobe.
When I add up the number of cards, it comes to fifty-two, the
number of weeks in the last half of last year and the first half
of this year.
There are twelve picture cards, the number of eyebrows on six
armadillos.
When I add up the spots, it comes to three hundred and sixty
five, and I am reminded of a small bottle of Thousand Island
dressing.
So you see, my deck of cards serves me as both a bauble and an
Armagnac.
And folks, this story's true; I know; I read it in the Sun.


https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Deck_of_CardsLB.htm

Original Deck of Cards (click)