KING HAROLD WAS A VENTRILOQUIST
by
Les Barker

King Harold was a ventriloquist,
Not many people know
He used to work with animals,
He put on quite a show.
People came in thousands
To see his tour de force
To see the great King Harold...
On his hawk with his hand up his horse.

He could talk while drinking water,
He could talk while smoking a cig
But he had to keep his day job,
'Cos he didn't get many gigs.
He went to fight the Danes,
At Stamford Bridge near York
But he kept his hand in on the way...
On his horse with his hand up his hawk.

Well, they beat the Danes quite easy,
They gracefully gave in
But they wouldn't shake his hand,
'Cos they knew where it had been.
And Harold was impressive
At the head of his victorious force
"Hello, I'm Mr Ed." he said...
On his hawk with his hand up his horse.

He got a gig in Yorkshire
At a club in Battley
But he found 'The Miners Welfare'
Didn't want a royal Sooty.
They didn't like ventriloquists
And said so with brute force
And ejected poor old Harold...
On his hawk with his head up his horse.

He gratefully went south again
For he'd heard that Norman had landed
"Let's make haste for Hastings!" he cried,
Working his horse left handed.
His army marched past him in splendour
And the leader saluted the lads
And in doing so suffered concussion...
From the horse on his hand on his head.

Soon they got to Hastings
And the two armies got to grips
Harold was winning 3-1 at half time
And all without moving his lips.
"Who's in charge over there?" asked William,
"It's not Harold I've not seen him talk."
And he glared at the king of the English...
On his horse with his hand up his hawk.

"I'm being beaten by a parrot...
Somebody shoot the bird!"
And amid the tumult of battle,
Only one of his archers heard.
It was Cosmo, the fairly accurate archer,
He heard his master shout
He aimed an arrow at the hawk...
He was only a foot or so out!

It was one in the eye for Harold,
He immediately fell down dead
For though Cosmo had aimed at the parrot,
He'd hit Long John Silver instead.
William the Conqueror was furious,
Cosmo's life was imperilled
He'd made a spectacle of himself...
And a monocle of Harold.

And though William conquered the country,
It's of Harold people talk
Ventriloquist, King of England,
On his horse with his hand up his hawk.
It was a sight to frighten the foreign,
An English fighting force
With Harold at the head of his army...
On his hawk... with his hand... up his horse.


https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Harold_Ventriloquist.htm