SPARKY'S MAGIC CONTRACEPTIVE
by
Les Barker


The Albert Hall was packed;
There were thousands locked outside.
The pianist played his best;
They stamped; they cheered; they cried.
'Well done, Sparky ' said his dad,
'They liked you quite a lot',
And his mother smiled with quiet pride;
'Sparky, lad... shit-hot. '
The audience didn't want to go;
They stood and cried for more
As Sparky made his triumphal way
Through the fans at the stage door.
And he smiled through his secret agony;
Only seven and he wore a truss;
A martyr to his music
And putting his piano on the bus.
He leaned on his Steinway at the bus stop,
Nonchalant, like pianists do,
When a girl's voice shouted across the street.
Ey!... my mate fancies you'.
Sparky was a sucker for the subtle approach
And they cuddled and kissed for a while,
But when it came to the important bit
All he could raise was a smile.
He said if only he was up to it
He'd love her with exceptional vigour,
She said, 'It needs more than energy, lad;
Bugger off till it gets bigger.'
He walked the streets all that night
With tears in his eyes and his mind.
He walked on through the rain until he heard
A voice calling him from behind;
'Sparky, Sparky; ' He looked back,
And there by a half eaten crust
Lay a cast aside contraceptive
And the fruits of Friday night's lust.
'Sparky, Sparky;' it said again
To the tragic, crying figure
'I am your magic contraceptive
And can make your small willy, bigger'.
It certainly did the trick
For Doris and Mary and Kath
And Agnes and best of all
For playing at submarines in the bath
His willy now stood five foot two,
And, dressed, with glasses on,
Stood up behind a piano
It looked like Elton John.
Pianists marvelled at the size of his talent
The secret they tried to find.
Ray Charles tried a bit too hard
And consequently went blind.
Then, at a concert at the Hollywood Bowl.
With the audience crying for more,
Sparky's fast-growing willy
Lifted his piano up off the floor.
He played Liszt and Rachmaninov
On his concert grand overhead
Till a gust of wind caught him unawares,
Underneath, unconscious and dead.
You can read the inscription on his grave:
And though it may sound silly
They didn't bother with a headstone;
They just chipped away at the end of his willy. (circumscription).
It says; 'Sparky played, and laughed a lot,
And may I say, not in a shy way,
That through it all, when there was doubt
He played a tune and stuck it out
And lifted Stein ways.


https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Sparkys_Contraceptive.htm