From: fretless
Date: 26 Sep 08 - 03:10 PM

Wonderful thread, puts me in mind of that other fine piece of
Arkansas lore, supposedly from the state legislature during
the 1800s in response to a suggested name change for the state:

Gentlemen, you may tear down the honored pictures from the halls
of the United States Senate, desecrate the grave of George
Washington, haul down the Stars and Stripes, curse the Goddess
of Liberty, and knock down the tomb of U.S. Grant, but your
crime would in no wise compare in enormity with what you propose
to do when you would change the name of Arkansas! Change the
name of Arkansas? Hell-fire, NO! Compare the lily of the valley
to the gorgeous sunrise; the discordant croak of the bullfrog
to the melodious tones of a nightingale; the classic strains
of Mozart to the bray of a Mexican mule; the puny arm of a
Peruvian prince to the muscles of a Roman gladiator -
but never will you change the name of Arkansas! Hell, NO!

Hear me, gentlemen - The man who would CHANGE THE NAME OF
ARKANSAS is the original iron-jawed, brass-mounted, copper-bellied
corpse-maker from the wilds of the Ozarks! Sired by a hurricane,
dammed by an earthquake, half-brother to the cholera, nearly
related to the small-pox on his mother's side, he is the man
they call Sudden Death and General Desolation! He takes nineteen
alligators and a barrel of whiskey for breakfast, when he is in
robust health; and a bushel of rattlesnakes and a dead body when
he is ailing. He splits the everlasting rocks with his glance,
and quenches the thunder when he speaks!

Change the name of Arkansas? Hell, NO! Stand back and give him
room according to his strength. Blood's his natural drink!
And the wails of the dying music to his ears! Cast your eyes
on the gentleman, and lay low and hold your breath, for he's
'bout to turn himself loose! He's the bloodiest son of a
wild-cat that lives, who would change the name of Arkansas!
Hold him down to earth, for he is a child of sin! Don't attempt
to look at him with your naked eye, gentlemen; use smoked glass.
The man who would change the name of Arkansas, by gosh, would
use the meridians of longitude and the parallels of latitude
for a seine, and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales! He would
scratch himself awake with the lightning, and purr himself to
sleep with the thunder! When he's cold, he would "bile" the
Gulf of Mexico and bathe in it! When he's hot, he would fan
himself with an equinoctial storm! When he's thirsty, he would
reach up and suck a cloud dry like a sponge! When he's hungry,
famine follows in his wake! You may put your hand on the sun's
face, and make it night on earth; bite a piece out of the moon,
and hurry the seasons; shake yourself and rumble the mountains;
but, sir, you will never change the name of Arkansas! Hell, NO!

The man who would change the name of Arkansas, would massacre
isolated communities as a pastime. He would destroy nationalities
as a serious business! He would use the boundless vastness of
the Great American Desert for his private grave-yard! He would
attempt to extract sunshine from cucumbers! Hide the stars in
a nail-keg, put the sky to soak in a gourd, hang the Arkansas River
from a clothesline; unbuckle the belly-band of Time, and turn the
sun and moon out to pasture; but you will never change the name
of Arkansas! The world will again pause and wonder at the audacity
of the lop-eared, lantern-jawed, half-breed, half-born,
whiskey-soaked hyena who has proposed to change the name of Arkansas!

He's just starting to climb the political banister, and wants to
knock the hay-seed out of his hair, pull the splinters out of
his feet, and push on and up to the governorship. But change
the name of Arkansas? HELL, NO!

Posted by fretless 28 Sep 2008 to mudcat here:

https://mudcat.org/detail_pf.cfm?messages__Message_ID=2451079

Variants and references to follow.