Today I had something like fifteen minutes before a panel of clinicians to talk about my treatment.
They let me talk freely as I wished; their questions were friendly.
I have been seen by this team of clinicians before, so they are all familiar.
In spite of which, I was a big bundle of nerves, short of breath, had a hard time just speaking.
I struggled through and spoke at some length about what I still need in my treatment,
things I could not focus on before that I am ready to work with now.
I remember some awkward pauses when I had trouble answering questions,
and I remember that it was easy to answer some questions directly.
I don't believe I dissociated, which I was afraid that I would do.
It was kind of excruciating just to stay present, but I did stay present.

There is no decision that has to be taken or change that has to be made at this point.
I just felt ready to update the clinical team on how my treatment has gone and on my thoughts on how to continue.
It was time to attempt something, however nervous or awkward I was.
So I did my bit. It's a small success for me.