Sorry this took so long.......

THE MAID OF MELROSE TOWN (by Les Barker)

There is a maid in Melrose town
And she must grieve full sore
For her bold and handsome Willie
Says that he must go to war.
He has taken the king's shilling
And he has to go to Spain
And it's O I am unwilling
For it looks a bit like rain.

And it's O my dearest William,
Must ye gang awa to Spain
Let us split it all in twain.
On the day those halves unite,
Then so too shall we, my love;
And she gave him half a wardrobe
And the poor sod staggered off.

Willie's gone to be a soldier,
Willie's gone for quite a while
With a wardrobe on his shoulder
Down the M6 at Ca4isle;
Laden down with half a wardrobe,
All through England, France and Spain,
Where he found the war had finished
So he set off home again.

And he marched back into Melrose
And he took his token out,
But his fair, his dearest maiden
Told him war had broken out.
Brave Willie, you must go, she said,
And blew the sweetest kiss,
And she handed him his token,
Saying don't go without this.

So he marched to Barcelona
Where he found he'd been misled
For this war was in Sweden
And his true love hadn't said.
Poor brave Willie knew his duty
And he set off straight away,
But when he got to Stockholm
It had finished yesterday.

Willie met them Swedish girls,
And how poor Willie was enraged,
For when a man's got half a wardrobe
You can tell that he's engaged.
So he had an idea
That his half he'd maybe swop
And he went into Ikea ,
Changed his bottom for a top.

And he marched back into Melrose
Thinking soon he would be free
For we cannot make a wardrobe
And she'll think it isn't me.
But alas, his sweetest true love
Had been making other friends
And she had been to I
And had cunningly changed ends.

There is a maid in Melrose town,
On her face the widest grin,
For her bold and handsome Willie
Has returned from where he's been.
Who the hell are you? she says;
I don't think you're my love;
If your half don't fit on my half,
Well then, you can just sod off.

I'll go with that, said Willie,
For the boy had used his wits,
And he took his half a wardrobe
And then.. bloody hell, it fits!
There is a wife in Melrose town;
Some say that they are fools,
For she didn't want to marry;
Nor did he; but rules are rules.