Title: This Old Mouse
Author: MaJoC (Dr M J Carter)
Original: This Old House
Comments: Once I can locate a three-button serial tracker with a
       billiard-size ball ... [*sigh*]

                This Old Mouse

    This old mouse been used by children,
            This old mouse been used by brats;
    This old mouse been used by undergrads
            who never use the mat.
    This old mouse is getting grubby,
            This old mouse is gone to seed,
    For there's caked-on cruft and cobwebs
            More than halfway up its lead.
   
    Ain't a-gonna knead this mouse no longer,
            Ain't a-gonna knead this mouse no more;
    Now its clicks are in the window,
            Now its clicks are on the floor,
    Now its chronic inconsistency's
            A constant clickin' pain;
    Ain't a-gonna knead this mouse no longer ---
            Gonna get a tracker to take the strain.
   
    This old mouse once pixel-perfect,
            This old mouse once all the rage,
    This old mouse mislays its driver,
            This old mouse betrays its age
    When its cursor acts the drunkard
            And its once-straight lines are rough:
    On its rollers and its idler wheel
            there's half a ton of cruft.
   
    Ain't a-gonna knead this mouse no longer,
            Ain't a-gonna knead this mouse no more;
    Ain't no time for shoulder stiff'nin',
            Ain't no time for knuckles sore,
    Ain't no time for tennis elbow,
            Wrists on fire or finger pain;
    Ain't a-gonna knead this mouse no longer ---
            Gonna let a tracker relieve the strain.

----
This parody Copyright (c) 1999, 2003 Martin J Carter
Filkstamp: Wed Aug 18 2:41:24 1999

Background:

This was written in the days before the advent of optical computer mice, when I was in charge of the undergrad computing room; my main task seemed to be dealing with plaintive cries of "this mouse ain't working". I was at the time looking for a trackball to help relieve the stress-fracture RSI in my primary-click finger [snip: full saga available on request].

Glossary:

cruft: a rather horrible greyish substance (you don't want to know on a full stomach) which grows on and befouls the rollers in ball-based mice. See also the Wikipedia entry, and sense 2 of the Jargon File entry for crufty, and shudder.