From the sheet music at York University. There is a recording by the Ames Brothers that you can hear at Spotify. There are several recordings on YouTube.


TWO TON TESSIE
Words and music by Roy Turk & Lou Handman, ©1926.

1. Down in Nashville, Tennessee, there’s a sight you oughta see,
But as long as you can’t get down there, I’ll tell you all, so listen to me:
There’s a gal named Tessie Townes, weighs about four hundred pounds,
Fat and fair, but she don’t care, ‘cause the boys all hang around.

CHORUS 1: They call her Two-Ton Tessie from Tennessee,
Holds ten sweeties upon her knee.
When she does, all the fun begins.
They play tennis on her double chins.
Caused the rise in the price of meat.
Been ten years since she saw her feet.
Lovers haven’t any cinch, I’m sure.
To get around her waist, they mustn’t detour—
Two-Ton Tessie from Nashville, Tennessee.

2. Ev’ry time she struts around, she puts on an extra pound,
But it doesn’t seem to worry her; her weight is making Tessie renowned—
Isn’t trying to reduce, and she’s got a good excuse:
Though she scales more than two whales, with the boys she beats the deuce.

CHORUS 2: They call her Two-Ton Tessie from Tennessee.
Broadside view like a ship at sea.
Takes two lovers to hold her hands.
Taller sittin’ down than when she stands.
Boys all answer to her demands.
The bring tires for wedding bands.
I just got a little inside tip:
They’re gonna start a night club on her hip—
Two-Ton Tessie from Nashville, Tennessee.

CHORUS 3: They call her Two-Ton Tessie from Tennessee,
Presses trousers without a fee.
She’s not “hep” to the Charleston yet,
But you oughta hear her sing quartet.
On a trolley I heard ‘em say
Six men gave her a seat one day.
Runners all have given up their gym.
They run around her once and keep in trim—
Two-Ton Tessie from Nashville, Tennessee.

CHORUS 4: They call her Two-Ton Tessie from Tennessee.
Goes in swimmin’ up to her knee.
Once she went in up to her neck;
Tide rose up and made the town a wreck.
She was hit on a railroad track.
Engine struck her and bounced right back.
Her appendix had to come out fast.
They couldn’t operate, they had to blast—
Two-Ton Tessie from Nashville, Tennessee.