We sing this at events for the Hash House Harriers. - Shoe Said HeadThe GEE-RAFF – The Gee-Raff is the most popular animal in the animal kingdom. Why? Well, every time he goes into a bar he says, "Gentlemen, the high-balls are on me!" OH!
The BEN-GAL tiger - The Bengal Tiger is the only 555 pound pussy that eats YOU! OH!
The ORANG-UTANG - The Orang-Utang lives in the deepest jungles of Borneo, and he has two enormous balls. One ball is made of brass, the other is made of silver. And when he jumps from one tree to another, his balls go: Orang-u-tang, Orang-u-tang. OH!
The LAUGHING HYENA – The Laughing Hyena lives far up in the hills and once every year he comes down to eat. Once every two years he comes down to drink, and once every three years he comes down for sexual intercourse. What the hell he has to laugh about, I don't know. OH!
The FUGAHWEE TRIBE – The Fugahwee Tribe, ladies and gentlemen, is composed of people of small stature - yes sir, short arses, quite right, sir - the live in the center of the African safari, where the grass grows to an incredible height of 10 feet or more, and all day long the members of this tribe wander through the tall grass crying, "Where the Fugahwee? Where the Fugahwee?" OH!
The NORTH AMERICAN PORCUPINE – The North American Porcupine’s quills are so razor sharp that no living creature dares approach him. How does he fuck? Very carefully! OH!
The SOUTH AMERICAN PORCUPINE – The South American Porcupine is a very strange creature indeed. It is the only creature in the world with 10,000 pricks and no Mrs. Porcupine. No
, he is not for sale! OH! The WINKY-WANKY BIRD - By some strange happening, the nervous system of The Winky-Wanky bird’s eyelids is connected to its foreskin. Every time it winks, it wanks and every time it wanks, it winks. And if it gets sand in its eye, it’ll going into a never-ending cycle of winking and wanking until it passes out! OH!
The ZEEBRA – The ZeeBra is the only creature in the whole wide world that is 26 sizes bigger than the A-BRA! OH!
The CONSTIPATED ELEPHANT - The Constipated Elephant has an enormous appetite. In one day, it eats two tons of hay, one dozen bunches of bananas, twenty buckets of rice, and fifty pounds of prunes to cure its constipation. "Ma’am, please don't stand too near the elephant's backside... Ma’am.... MA’AM! MA’AM! Too late! Uhm..Janitor! Can you go dig her out!? OH!
The HIMALAYAN MOUNTAIN GOAT – The Himalayan Mountain Goat is the pretty little four-footed animal you see on your right, ladies and gentlemen, and has the peculiarity that every time it leaps from rock to rock it farts, and the scientists are still trying to discover whether it farts because it leaps or whether it leaps because it farts. OH!
The CALENDAR LEO-PARD - Yes folks, the Calendar Leopard has 365 spots - one spot on its coat for every day of the year. What’s that? What about leap year? "Well, to see that, you lift up the leopard's tail!" OH!
The EFF-EFF-EFF-bird -The EFF-EFF-EFF bird flies at tremendous height, then suddenly it takes a dive straight towards the earth. One yard above the ground it opens its wings, and just one inch above the ground it takes a last second turn while calling out: “That was EFF-EFF-EFF-fucking close!” OH!
THE TATTOOED LADY – The Tattooed Lady has a W tattooed on her left cheek. And the Tattooed Lady has another W on her right cheek! And when she bends over it spells WOW! And when she does cartwheels you can read "WOW MOM WOW." OH!
ANOTHER Tattooed Lady: On the inside of her left thigh, she has tattooed “Merry Christmas!”. And on the inside of her right thigh, she has tattooed “Happy New Year!” and she'd like to invite you to come between the holidays! OH!
ANOTHER GODDAMNED Tattooed Lady: This gal has a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh, and a tattoo of George Foreman on the other - and it looks like Don King in the middle. OH!
The FINAL tattooed lady. On one leg she has tattooed FIRE, on the other leg she has tattooed BRIMSTONEŠ and in between, it looks like HELL. OH!
The AHH-OOH BIRD – The well-known Ahh-Ooh Bird is from Lake Titicaca, and as you will observe if you look carefully, it has no legs, and is named what it is, ladies and gentlemen, because when the Oooh-Ahhh bird comes down to land on the cold water, you can hear him splash into the cold water and cry out, "OOOH! AHHH!" OH!
The OYOYMEEBALLS Bird -The Oyoymeeballs Bird is a large bird that builds a nest out sticks and brambles. The Oyoymeeballs Bird has very short legs and very big genitals. And every time it lands it yells: “OY-OY-ME-BALLS!” OH!
The PI-BALD PONY – The PI-BALD Pony is a strange, very small animal, and it has Balls which are exactly 3.14159 inches around! OH!
The POLAR BEAR – The Polar Bear lives next to a large triangular iceberg. This is an uncommon sight, ladies and gentlemen, because on one side of the iceberg you will see a French keeping a private school, on the second side you will see an Canadian keeping a private school, while on the third side you will observe the Polar Bear sliding up and down, up and down, belly first, keeping his privates cool. OH!
The POLAR BEAR from the FROZEN ARCTIC– The Polar Bear of the Frozen Arctic is a mighty beast who goes swimming in the frozen ocean by diving into holes in the ice. A wise old hunter sneaks up to the hole and places a circle of frozen peas around it. When the Polar Bear comes up for a pea, the hunter kicks him in the IceHole! OH!
The ANTIQUE SALES LADY - The Antique Sales Lady only sells period furniture - everything has stains on it. OH!
The HUMPBACK WHALE – Helloooo Ladies! The Humpback Whale is a member of the animal kingdom that has a 10 foot long tongue and a hole in the top of its cranium to breath through so it doesn’t need a break! OH!
The WILD MAN FROM BORNEO - The Wild Man from Borneo is only man in the world without a fundamental orifice. What's that - how does he shit? He doesn't shit. That's what makes him so fucking wild. OH!
The ROCK 'N ROLL STAR PRINCE - The Rock’N Roll Star Prince is living proof that Little Richard and Liberace had sex! OH!
The HORNY SKINNED RHINO-SORE-ASS – The Horny Skinned Rhino-Sore-Ass, ladies and gentlemen, is reputed to be the toughest beast in all of Africa. It’s tough hide repels projectiles. What’s that? How did the natives kill the Horny Skinned Rhino-Sore-Ass? They’d lift its tail and send the arrows in one by one! OH!
The GHOST PEPPER BIRD - The GHOST Pepper Bird only eats fiery peppers and because of that it has to fly backwards to keep it's asshole cool! OH!
The MALE ALLIGATOR – The Male Alligator is our very most important animal in the animal kingdom because each year the female alligator swims upstream to lay a thousand eggs and following her is the male alligator who eats nine hundred and ninety-nine of the eggs; So, you see without the male alligator, we'd be up to our asses in alligators! OH!
The SQUARE CROCODILE – The Square Crocodile has a square head, square teeth, square legs, and a square ass and would you believe it? He shits bricks! OH!
The HORNED PANDA OWL – The Horned Panda Owl is the only bird in the whole wide world that eats, shoots and leaves! OH!
The HOUDINI BIRD – The Houdini bird comes from the deepest jungles of the Amazon. They appear in great big flocks and when they fly they fly in constantly decreasing circles at ever increasing speeds and until each bird flies its head into the asshole of the bird in front of it and at this time the Houdini bird gives out its signature mating cry “HEY! I CAN’T SEE SHIT!” OH!
The KEE-KEE-KEE BIRD – The Kee-Kee-Kee Bird is from the frozen reaches of far northern Canada. If lucky enough to see one in its native habitat, you may see it call as it flies “Kee-Kee-Kee-CHRIST IT’S COLD UP HERE!” OH!
The ASSTRECH – The Assstrech is the largest bird in the world, it’s so big it cannot fly. An Assstrech is so big, it lays a 7 pound egg! And whenever the ASSTRETCH lays an egg, its Ass Stretches! OH!
BINGO, BANGO, and BONGO The ACROBATIC MONKEYS – (describe the acrobatic routine of the monkeys, making sure to include lots of descriptions of jumps, somersaults, flips, twists, uneven bars, pommel horses, vaults, balance beams, kicks, 360° spins,
The GOODBYE BIRD AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO - Well the GoodBye Bird is at the very end of the zoo, at the end of the road, way back in the last cage. And as all the little schoolchildren in their schoolbusses are leaving for the Zoo for the day, the GoodBye bird calls out to them “Fuck Off Kids!” OH!
The Fight between the Snake and the Ostrich - (Please note that this one is only limited by one's imagination, the patience of the audience, and the ability of one's vocal chords to withstand strain. So far the Guineas Book of Records doesn't list the length of the longest known version, but 15 minutes would be considered normal. What follows are the barest details only, embellish them as you will) “In the left-hand corner, ladies and gentlemen, stands the ostrich” (to be followed by a brief life history of the contestant, fight record, size of jock strap, etc), “while in the right-hand corner stands the snake” (ditto, above). “And there, ladies and gentlemen, goes the bell for the first round”. Following is a description of the battle. This round, and each subsequent round should take at least five minutes of fast talking, until finally the snake dives into the ostrich's mouth, wriggles swiftly though its stomach and comes out of its asshole. Because of this maneuver, the first round goes to the snake. After the applause dies down, Descriptions of subsequent rounds are mainly variations of the first with the snake winning each by the same stratagem. This continues until the final round where the story-teller's art is eliminated at the end of the round when the snake dives into the ostrich's mouth wriggles swiftly through its stomach and is about to emerge when the ostrich shoves its beak up its asshole and says, "Now loop-the-loop, you bastard!"