I just went back and reread that, keberoxu. I missed it when you first posted, and I'm sorry to read it. I had a similar surprise last week, when the daughter of an old academic correspondent posted a sad memory on her facebook page, and because she tagged her late father, I was able to backtrack. He died just over two years ago. We had a really good ten years or so of conversations when I was in graduate school and beyond, but he was moving from finishing the PhD (never finally did) to teaching full time and had some interesting family struggles he described. I didn't know he'd been sick, had cancer that returned. It seems like I should have felt something at the time he passed, I get the impression that is something you're also struggling with. How did that source of positive energy extinguish without your being aware of it, feeling it's absence when it happened.