The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #46678 Message #4231265
Posted By: Jim Dixon
06-Nov-25 - 03:52 PM
Thread Name: Lyr Req: British music hall songs
Subject: Lyr Add: ASK A POLICEMAN
ASK A P’LICEMAN Words by E. W. Rogers, music by A. E. Durandeau, 1888. Famously performed by James Fawn.
1. The p’lice force is a noble band that safely guard our streets. Their valour is unquestioned and they’re noted for their feats. If anything you wish to know, they’ll tell you with a grin. In fact, each one of them is a complete Enquire Within.
CHORUS 1: If you want to know the time, ask a p’liceman— The proper Greenwich time, ask a p’liceman. Ev’ry member of the force has a watch and chain, of course. If you want to know the time, ask a p’liceman.
2. If you stay out late at night and pass through regions queer, Thanks to those noble guardians, of foes you have no fear. If drink you want and ‘pubs’ are shut go to the man in blue, Say you’re thirsty and good-natured, and he’ll show you what to do.
CHORUS 2: If you want to get a drink, ask a p’liceman. He’ll manage it, I think, will a p’liceman. He’ll produce the flowing pot, if the ‘pubs’ are shut or not. He could open all the lot; ask a p’liceman.
3. If your servant suddenly should leave her cosy place, Don’t get out an advertisement her whereabouts to trace. You’re told it was a soldier who removed her box of clothes. Don’t take the information in, but ask the man who knows.
CHORUS 3: If you don’t know where she is, ask a p’liceman. For he’s ‘in the know’ he is; ask a p’liceman. Though they say with ‘red’ she flew, yet it’s ten to one on ‘blue’ For he mashes just a few; ask a p’liceman.
4. And if you’re getting very stout, your friends say in a trice, Consult a good physician, and he’ll give you this advice: Go in for running all you can, no matter when or how, And if you want a trainer, watch a bobby in a row.
CHORUS 4: If you want to learn to run, ask a p’liceman— How to fly, though twenty ‘stun’, ask a p’liceman. Watch a bobby in a fight; in a tick, he’s out of sight. For advice on rapid flight, ask a p’liceman.
5. Or if you’re called away from home, and leave your wife behind, You say, ‘Oh, would that I a friend to guard the house could find, And keep my love in safety’ but let your troubles cease. You’ll find the longed-for keeper in a member of the p’lice.
CHORUS 5: If your wife should want a friend, ask a p’liceman Who a watchful eye will lend; ask a p’liceman. Truth and honour you can trace written on his manly face. When you’re gone, he’ll mind your place; ask a p’liceman.
- - - The original sheet music cover can be seen at Wikipedia, which also gives some interpretation of the lyrics.
Reformatted sheet music, as a PDF, originally provided by Monologues.co.uk, can be seen at the Internet Archive’s Wayback Machine.
The following article is from an Australian newspaper: Northern Mining Register (Charters Towers, Qld.), Wednesday 18 March 1891, page 14:
"Ask a P'liceman."
IT is satisfactory to know that by two magisterial decisions yesterday the melody "Ask a P'liceman" is now entitled to be placed on the Index Expurgatorius of Scotland Yard.
At Worship-street Mr. Montague Williams condescended to enter into a minute inquiry as to whether the whistling of this melody by a small boy constituted a sufficient provocation to a breach of the peace on the part of a constable. In the result he came sorrowfully to the conclusion that "there was no doubt the boy was impertinently whistling the air referred to." He did not subsequently put on the black cap, but the tone of solemnity in which he announced his decision seemed to require some formality of that nature. By that decision a carman charged with assault by the police was sent to hard labour for fourteen days. The unfortunate man pleaded that he had done nothing worse than remonstrate with a constable who had attempted to stop the boy's melody with a vulgar threat. Mr. Williams took up the ludicrous position that it was part of his business to inquire whether the boy had or had not whistled the air.
Mr. Cooke at Marylebone, was just as bad, or worse. He fined a man forty shillings on a charge of disorderly behaviour in which the head and front of the offence was the singing of this harmless song.
The police have apparently made up their minds that the song shall not be sung in the streets, and when they hear it they contrive to expostulate with the melodists with a violence which provokes a breach of the peace. This is very foolish on the part of the police, but they are what they are in temper and intelligence, and it is for the magistrates to compel them to control their nerves. They must learn to bear the sarcasm involved in this lyric, as they and better men in all classes and callings have learned to endure their professional nicknames. Admitting the very worst—that the melody is whistled or sung at them—what possible right has a magistrate to allow that consideration to effect a judgment by which he consigns a man to jail?