Swiped from ElReg comments:

You have reached the psychiatric help line. For obsessive/compulsive press 1 repeatedly. For multiple personality disorder press 2, 3, 4 and 5. For paranoia just hang up. We know who you are.

.... Was there not a song about this? sigh: now I've got "press Two to get despair" running around in my head in hobnail boots.