How come she gets a big bar of chocolate with nuts and I get my butt singed? I am getting even with all of you. I invited Old Man Homer to come and bore you to death with one of his interminably loooong tales.

"Come hear the tale of the great Antony who ruled the world and the heart of the lovely Cleopatra while sojourning in faraway Egypt, Land of the Pyramids and Sphinx and Pharoughs uh pharoahs, uh foreign dignitaries.
One day a messenger came to Great Antony with news of a terrible plague afflicting the farm country of the lower valley, Land of the Crocodile. The local magistrate, Ankonhead, demanded that Great Antony come at once to survey the damage and offer his, wise, sage,informative,capable counsel to the blighted land and people. Great Antony travelled day and night, night and day stopping only to eat and rest his camel. For three nights and days he travelled until he came to the lower valley and saw the devastation for himself. Acid rain and faulty fertilizer had brought a great curse upon the land. Vines that used to produce a hundred tons of grapes for the women of the lower valley to trample into wine when the emir's back was turned for he forbade the drinking of wine. For that matter he forbade barefoot women in public. But...lost my train of thought...Oh yes, vines that once produced a hundred pounds of rich purple grapes for the making of wine and tromping of feet now were bowed over with the weight of a SINGLE grape. No one man could pick it. No one but Big Mick could tromp it and so the berries rotted on the vine and the vine on the ground and the people wept. Great Antony pondered the problem with his superior Roman ponderer and decided to take a sample of the problem back to Rome forsaking Cleopatra in Egypt, she who got bored, met Caesar, screwed around with him for a while and fell on her asp and died. But that is another story for another time. Great Antony found the biggest berry and the biggest cart. He lined the cart with sheep skins to cradle it against bruises. He added new shocks and brake pads to the cart and sent his army ahead to smooth and pave the road lest the huge grape be damaged and drip its contamination along the way and further spread the dreaded plague. The grape came from a vinyard belonging to Anathea who had just lost her beloved brother to the hangman on a false charge of horsetheft...but that is another story for another time.Anathea was proud that that her vinyard had produced the greatest grape of them all and insisted on accompanying it to Rome. She had her heart set on acting career as well and that just wasn't going to happen in the Lower Valley with the emir and the crocodiles and all. So...where was I?...Oh yes. For twenty days and twenty nights they rolled the cart carefully over hill and dale through desert and swamp past farms and barren fields on their way to Rome. They stopped only to eat and allow the camels to rest. Meanwhile back in the city, word spread of the coming of the huge probably diseased fruit and some abandoned the city in fear. Some locked themselves in their homes hoping to avoid contamination. Others fell into a drunken stupor while still others gave themselves over to orgies and folk festivals seeing that the end was near and there was no hope and all was lost. Meanwhile back at the caravan, Antony approached the city. The gates were locked - at least the one they approached. They went to the next and it too was locked. Said Great Antony "There are twelve gates to the city. Halleleu! Do they expect us to go to each one rolling the cart carrying the great grape while Anathea practices her line - HER ONE LINE over and over???? Anathea had an audition the next day for a Clairol commercial and was practicing tossing her hair and shouting "I love it!" with varied emphases and actions. Anyway, they finally reached an open gate and were met by an angry mob ready to burn the grape and Antony and Anathea and anyone else who got in their way. Great Antony, always the consumate politician, strode to the front of the mob. raised his hands for silence and announced "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. I have come to sieze her berry not to praise it!"


I have been waiting since 1969 for an opportunity to tell this story. Thank you Alison. (courtesy of Flip Wilson).