Sorry katmyluv.....I dunno' what gets into them sometimes. They are all wound up after just rescuing Paw from the latest debacle. And Cletus is all broken up over his pet cockroach, Hernando, too. If you didn't know about it, here it is:

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I've often thought there was something genetic at work in being susceptible to TV ads, but now I am sure of it. A couple of years back, Rick Fielding, an obvious sucker, sent his three half brothers, all named Reg, down here and of course they immediately hit it off with Paw, Cletus, and Buford. I suppose I should have figuured they were "Ad-Addicts" because each of them had their own Pocket Fisherman inscribed with their name, or so they said. Upon closer inspection I found the "Reg" they were referring to was the "reg." in the patent info but they were happy and there was no convincing them otherwise.

Cletus too is one of those folks who becomes entranced by all types of electronic pictures and once spent several weeks in the James Taylor Rehab Wing For Catatonic Blandnessat the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed to cure his catatonic condition brought on by staring at Hamsterdance on my computer for three straight days.

Paw has been taken to the proverbial cleaners many times in his life starting with playing punchcards and once losing $82.00 and a new union suit to a card tosser playing Three Card Monty. It made quite an impression on him as he was wearing the union suit at the time and had to hitchhike the 600 miles home from New York City wearing only his bibs........in February. It was a numbing experience and he is pretty skeptical about anything being pitched his way. Today though, he was hooked into a scheme to cure his piles which Cletus and the Reg boys had figured out.

Buford had purchased an "Ab-Roller" from the TV ad in an effort to lose some of the spare tire he was carrying owing to the case and a half of Iron City he downs every day. He'd already tried the "Hollywood Miracle Diet" and I suppose it did clean the toxins from his system as advertized, at least to some degree. When it arrived he drank down the entire bottle straight without mixing. His first fart, about 45 minutes later, blew out the seat of his pants and he spent the next two days sleeping in the outhouse. The "Ab-Roller" seemed a lot safer and for Paw, Cletus, and the Reg boys it was certainly far better smelling. Buford could fuck up a wet dream though and sure enough when the things came (he ordered two just for the discount), he tries one out right on the spot. The spot in question being down by his mailbox where the road goes downhill and the gizmo took off dragging Buford along behind. If he had let go he wouldn't have run off into the big patch of poison sumac by the Chessie tracks.

Buford was really a mess btween the road burns and breaking out real bad from the sumac so Cletus offered to let him stay at his place with the Reg boys til he was better and Cletus could take care of him. While Cletus and the Reg boys were out, Buford got to looking around for some lotion and ran across the "Nads" kit that Cletus had ordered. Sadly, Buford had never heard of Nads before and thought it was something to make your genitals feel better and his were burning up from the sumac so he poured some on and applied the pad as directed. I guess the stuff is made for legs and backs and other parts of the body where the skin is tougher because when Buford pulled off the patch it brought not only hair, but three layers of skin off his balls. When the others returned they found Buford as a mass of quivering pulp on the floor and that this latest insanity would force him into a hospital stay for skin grafts on his nuts.

It was about this time that Paw's 'roids flared up on him. Ever since the "Night of the Farted Falwell" when one of Paw's flamers had scorched the image of Jerry Falwell on my garage wall, he had been having trouble. Some say that it's a divine retribution or a curse from Falwell, but it seems to me that after 50 years of lighting farts, his asshole has just blown out. The Reg boys had just ordered some magnetic bracelets for Buford to help in his healing, but since he was in the hospital they thought Paw could use them to cure his wasted bunghole. They figured that between them they had 27 of these bracelets, including Buford's, in various sizes and if they could affix them somehow to Paw's butt, a cure was inevitable.

As always, the answer was duct tape. Cletus held Paw down while Reg stacked the bracelets in stacks of nine, handed them to Reg who arranged them in interlocking stacks on Paw's ass, while Reg taped the whole thing on. When they let Paw up, Cletus said he was not as mad as he thought he'd be and the magnets only made a small bump in his bibs. I think though, based on what happened next, that the interlocking magnets may have produced too strong a field because as they walked down the road past the Rafferty house, a hubcap off of ol' man Rafferty's Buick flew off and slammed into Paw's ass. Rafferty was boiling peanuts in front of his stoop and came running over, madder than hell. After great tugging and throwing Paw all over the place, the hubcap was still stuck. Finally Paw held onto Rafferty's mailbox and the others managed to get the damn thing off but they pulled the mailbox out in the process. Ol' man Rafferty went to get his shotgun and the rest of them made tracks, not stopping til they reached the intersection at Rt.40. Here's where things went really bad.

A Peterbilt with California registration roared past and before anyone could make a move, Paw was snatched up and was last seen hanging by his ass from an exhaust stack. Cletus and the Reg boys figured they could snatch him back with the Popeil's Pocket Fisherman if they could catch up so they hopped in Buford's pickup which he wasn't using and headed out, stopping at my place briefly to drop off Cletus' pet cockroach, Hernando, for me to care for until they returned, hopefully with Paw. My neighbor said he past them heading out of town, the Reg boys in the bed of the truck, Popeil equipped.

If you live west of here, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep an eye out for them. And do me a favor if you see Paw. Take those magnetic bracelets off his ass. By the way, does anybody know if these things that turn your home's electrical system into a sonic pest repellant will kill cockroaches?

Hernando? HERNANDO?? HERNANDO??? HERNANDO????............Hmmmm............Do they lay upside down like this a lot?

Spaw