The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #33702 Message #450937
Posted By: CRANKY YANKEE
28-Apr-01 - 03:59 AM
Thread Name: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
Subject: non-irritating Jewish Jokes
Some of my best ancestors were Jewish. I don't know how to trans-literate (or write in Hebrew) this phrase, so I'll attempt to spell it phoenetically. Sie (see) gornisht helfen. It means, "It wouldn't help". File this away for future reference. Also file away "Moil"(Noun) The man who does the ritual circumcision on male Jewish Infants. OK?
an Hasidic couple (very strict, dedicated Jewish sect, not unlike "Amish" or "Menonite") living in New Orleans has a male baby. They send to Newport, Rhode Island (oldest Hebrew congregation in the New World) for a "Moil". Rabbi Theodore Lewis, formerly of Dublin Ireland, (no joke) answers the call. He steps off the train in New Orleans, wearing his traditional garments, Wide brimmed black hat, black frock coat, etc, and starts walking towards the Jewish couples residence. very quickly, a small group of snickering, chortling children begin following him. This universally admired clergyman becomes somewhat annoyed. Finally he turns and faces the unruly crowd of children and asks, "WHAT'S THE MATTER KIDS, YOU NEVER SEEN A YANKEE?"
(No joke, the, now retired, Rabbi of the most respected and oldest Hebrew Congregation in the New World, The Touro Synagogue, Was very Tall and rather thin. He matriculated at Trinity College in Dublin Ireland and spoke English with a decidedly Irish accent. Teddy Lewis was very camera friendly on television. This is the congregation to which President George Washington pledged, "To Biggotry, no comfort, to Intolerance no refuge".)
Man walking down 6th Avenue in Manhattan (I'm old) goes into a shop displaying watches and clocks in the window. He starts taking off his wristwatch , explaining to the proprietor, "This thing has been losing time ........."The proprietor interrupts him with, "Wait a minute, I don't fix watches, I'm a Moil"
The man asks,"Then, what have you got all those clocks and watches in the window for?"
"Well", came the reply, "WHAT DO YOU WANT, I SHOULD PUT IN THE WINDOW?"
A sociologist, working on his Doctorate, chooses, "Vampirism as a psychological disease" for his subject. He doesn't think real vampires exist. He writes to Count Vladimir Dracula of Transylvania if he can visit his domain while he works on his notes. "Of Course", replies Vlad, "I'll be vlad to have you as my guest"
While packing for the trip, just in case, he puts a large,silver crucifix in his suitcase.
He arrives at castle Dracula and the Count shows him to a room, high in a tower, saying, "You should be comfortable here, no one will bother you, and, if there's anything you need I'll be vlad to obtain if for you" , and departs.
The Sociologist soon begins to compile his notes, when, along about midnight, the window to his garrett flies open and a horrible apparition appears, blood dripping down from two large fangs nd a wild look in his bloodshot eyes"
Quickly the Sociologist siezes the crucifix and thrusts it in the apparition's face. Upon which, the horror wags his index finger at him, as he slowly shakes his head, and says, "SIE GORNISHT HELPFEN"
Love and Knishes
Joseph Paul Katzberg
(no, I'm not Jewish, but my father was, my kid brother and my Mom (step mom) are. My biological mother was Josephine Puzelli, long since deceased)