the one about the porposes has been done for years, but it lack 2 elements in the version above...(as you can seem the story can be re-written totally, but it MUST lead to approximately the same last line...

" There once was a physiologist who wanted to find out the secret of longevity. Being a rather competent fellow and realizing no one would want him to initially experiment with humans, he decided to use porposes for this purpose.

Dolphins were decided upon rather thatn any other mammal because of their similarity to humans in aging and eating.

After long experimentation with porposes, he discovered that certain nutrients extended their life span measurably. The unfor- tunate part of this was that these nutrients were quite expensive.

He found a cheaper solution: seagulls. Young seagulls had quite a bit of that particular nutrient in their blood. So he started to use sea birds to feed his porposes.

Now his neighbors were quite upset when the young scientist started to trespass across their beaches in the early morning in his quest for birds. They were even more upset when he used his shotgun at five o'clock in the morning. The Audubon Society was really upset that he was scaring the other birds when he shot at the gulls. Mothers were worried he might accidently shoot their children.

The beach front owners decided to put an end to his work. They met together late one night and put together a nefarious scheme to rid themselves of their enemy.

The next day, one of the vigilantes went to the local state zoo. He asked the zoo keeper, "Could we borrow a lion? We need it to scare someone." The keeper agreed to let them borrow one of his older lions.

The next morning, after the Ponce de Leon of modern science went out shooting, the neighbors brought the lion to his yard and tied him up on the front porch. After the scientist shot his brace of birds, he came back and stepped over the lion on his doorstep.

When the state troopers arrested him the next day, they charged him with: "Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immortal porposes."