The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #33702   Message #451335
Posted By: CRANKY YANKEE
28-Apr-01 - 09:03 PM
Thread Name: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
For my Non-North American friends:

sNotre Dame University (pronouned, "Noter Dame) noted for it's perrenially strong football teams, nicknamed, "The Fighting Irish, will admit anyone who meets their very tough scholastic requirements. On the other hand, I don't know if Yeshiva University even has a football team. Enough of the background, here's the joke:

Notre Dame and Yeshiva are playing a pre season game. The score is Notre Dame 110, Yeshiva 7.
In a huddle, Yeshiva's quarterback tells the others that he thinks Notre Dame knows their signals, so, from now on, he'l give the signals in Yiddish. On the next play, he starts to call the signals in Yiddish, when, Notre Dame's center slowly shakes his head, wags his index finger and says, "SEI GORNISHT HELPFEN"

GUEST: WRIGGLEMOUSE:

But that would exclude all the Yehudi in the rest of the world. There are more Jews in New York City than there are in Jeruselem and Haifa combined.

AND THEN

An Isreali soldier is marching 3 Egyptian POW's towards a POW camp, at gunpoint. One of the Egyptians remarks, "I've got to hand it to you, you Israeli soldiers are sure tough"
To which the Israeli replies, "Yeah? You're lucky you didn't run into my husband".

AND THEN ONE DAY,

Moshe (Moses) and Joshua of Nazareth (Jesus) are in a golf foursome at an exclusive Jewish country club. Jusus is consistently "under clubbing" using a wdge instead of a 7 iron, 7 iron instead of a 3wood, etc., and consistently coming up short of the green. Moses's caddy asks, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" To which Moses replies,
"He IS Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Arnold Palmer".

BUT BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME,
Moses Drives a real screamer down the first fairway, 290 yards. Jesus "tops" his drive and dribbles it about 30 yards in front of the tee. A rabbit pops out of his hole, grabs the ball and starts running towards the green. An Eagle swoops down, grabs the rabbit, flies down the fairway and drops the rabbit on the green. The rabbit runs over to the hole and drops the golf ball into it. Moses puts his left fist on his hip, extends his right hand, palm up, towards Jesus and asks,
" You gonna play GOLF, or just fool around?"

The following really happened, One of the great moments of my life and there was only one person there to witness it. He was sitting next to me on the gun deck of HMS Rose, doing some "Scrimshaw like" etching on a piece of whale ivory. I was whipping a rope end and wearing my sailmakers palm. I had on a pair of "Seafarer" bell bottom dungaree trousers, a blue and white striped "French Navy" shirt and my Tarpaulin hat with HMS ROSE embroidered in gold on the front of a black cap ribbon. (The hat is shaped exactly like a stiff-brimmed straw "Boater", with a stiff crown, flat on top. It is made of tarred, heavy canvas, covered with enough varnish to be able to stand on it without cracking it. The last two coats of varnish have lamp black in them.)Anyway:
I only know a couple of Yiddish Phrases that my dad taught me, and a few words here and there. I used them all up that afternoon.

While we were working, a rather portly, middle aged gentleman tourist, in a charcoal grey suit, watching us, with an amused smile on his face, remarked to his, also portly wife, "Meshugga" (crazy). He never, in his wildest dreams, expected to find a crazy sailor like me who understood any Yiddish. (or is it Hebrew?) I looked up at him and hit him with one of my Dad-taught phrases.
"Meshugga eh?" I asked. And then hit him with it, "ZUL DE VOX'N A GESHVERE IM HOLTZ!" Which means, "You should get a cancer in your throat", a phrase seldom used in jest. The smile slowly disappeared from his face as he and his wife began to walk towards the other end of the gun deck. "HOCKH ZICKH KUPF IM VANTZ" (go hit your head against the wall) I called after him as they hurriedly climbed up to the main deck.
I turned to the guy sitting next to me, who was chuckling, and asked him if he understood that exchange. He said , he understood that the guy called me "Crazy" and that he never expected me to understand him, or to reply with, what he assumed, were insulting phrases.

AND THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE TO WITNESS THIS, ONE OF MY FINEST MOMENTS.