Barrie Roberts of Walsall, England, wrote the following (many, many years ago!):

It was Christmas day in the hospital, and the cold bare walls were hung
With merry yuletide trimmings, all the carols had been sung,
When Matron came to the Men's Ward door with a voice so loud and clear
To announce a royal visitor to bring them Christmas --
Tidings of comfort and joy!

The princess stood in the doorway, tiara on her head,
Dispensing Christmas goodwill as she moved from bed to bed.
She asked each bloke his troubles as she moved on down the halls,
Till she came to the bed of a bloke who said he'd got boils upon his --
Tidings of comfort and joy!

The probationers all giggled and Matron's face was red
As she dragged Her Royal Highness away from the patient's bed.
"Who served him sherry trifle and started off his frolics?
When I get back I'll give him worse than boils upon his" --
Tidings of comfort and joy!

It was midnight in the ward that night, and not a patient stirred,
When Matron cmae to the bedside of the man who'd used that word.
She stripps the blankets from him, and then on him she starts:
"How dare you talk to a royal princess about your boily" --
Tidings of comfort and joy!

"Now if ever again we're visited by one of the royal select
And they ask about your illness, you just show 'em a bit of respect.
Remember your blooming manners and don't make us a spectacle -
Tell 'em they're on your back or your legs, but not upon your" --
Tidings of comfort and joy!

[spoken] A year passed …

It was Christmas on the wards once more, and the place was full of cheer:
Once more a royal visitor - the queen herself was here!
Her Majesty swept through the wards to the merry snap! of crackers,
Till she came to the bed of the bloke who'd said he'd got boils upon his --
Tidings of comfort and joy!

The patient grew embarrassed, he squirmed in grief and woe.
Then inspiration struck, and he cried, "Boils - on me toe!".
Her majest looked most upset, "Oh dear", she said, "oh dear!
They must have spread all up your leg since my sister came last year!"



Non-British Mudcatters may need help with the missing words: I'm sure some less delicate fellow Brit can oblige!

Steve.