When you offer someone friendship, is that conditional? What are the conditions?

That one takes a long time to sort out.

I always thought the answer to the first should be, NO. I found out living my life didn't make sense though, that way.

My conditions (for now) have to do with whether the other person can respect (adhere to) certain boundaries that I believe are sovereignly mine to lay out, and whether they have an essentially positive and strong set of communications principles. Without these, I can't maintain a mutually healthy relationship with someone, because they can't hold up their end and I am doing all the work while having my selfhood chipped away at. And that's a hard one for me, still.

I may love and keep knowing them... but they have ceased to be a friend and become, if there is room at that time, somewhat of a client. They have a need. Maybe I can fill it, or be part of it being filled. My beliefs about service kick in there, and I have good tools to use, and that's a different set of boundaries altogether.

I try to spot these sorts of energy-absorbing people up front, and relate to them accordingly, but once in awhile I misestimate someone.

But someone who can fulfill those conditions (by tending to and trying to, not by being perfect), it may turn out, has this or that dirty little secret. (I have a theory that we all tend to show each other what complete a**holes we are, just as soon as there is enough closeness and safety to do it. So loving someone well will tend to bring up their "Inner Weasel." *G*) If it is a strong friendship, this becomes something to talk about. That's one way change can happen.

Sometimes it's been me who had the dirty little secret, the character flaw or issue to confess or resolve. I thank God for friends whose conditions have not then made me a pariah to them-- who have hung in with me when it was I who needed to change.

I believe racism and other "isms" are installed early and when we aren't looking, when we are too powerless to know otherwise or act otherwise. By the time we are adults and have better information and personal strength, we are so enmeshed, in the grip of the hurtful things that carried in the racism, that we don't really see that we could let it go and see people more clearly and humanly. (I have good theoretical bases for this, as well as long practice as a counselor about it.)

People acting out the oppressor role in prejudice are caught up in something that hurts them terribly. There are few safe places or ways to work on it. The ugly face it wears looks like one intentionally and powerfully chosen... but truly, that's not so. The choice to harm another by prejudice is an unaware and distress-driven one.

Try to keep in mind that whatever you decide about this is up to you and not necessarily the final answer on such matters that your life will ask of you. Trust yourself enough to make a decision, and then act on it strongly. If you pay attention to the things that follow as a result, you will know what you might do differently the next time around. You can only be as smart as you are right now, right now. But you will learn from this, no matter what course you take.

There is some good theory about "isms" HERE. Look in the sections having to do with internalized oppression-- and you will learn about racsim and all the isms. There are also good videos about working on racism there, as well as articles, and I'll have the videos soon, to lend.

~Susan

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