Jack the Sailor

Cliches: the "not even a mouse" and "heart cut out" and "east side/west side" all sound like cliched use of language. You need not agree with my opinion or choices.

I agree the "Berlin wall" line is good--remember, I also said some things could be salvaged from the 1st stanza and used elsewhere in the song with some rearranging. Poets and songwriters do this all the time.

As to the rules of lyric writing I spoke of, yes they are pretty hard and fast rules of writing a good lyric--either poem or song. A lyric song is different from a story/narrative song and has different rules. That isn't to say one can't break rules and conventions when one writes. But to do it effectively, one must first *know* the rules of lyric writing. One needn't go to Harvard for this, but if one takes their craft seriously, you do need to learn the basics.

I appreciated the message of the 3rd stanza, but IMO, the third stanza doesn't fit with the imagery of the rest of the song. That is just the sort of thing you look for in rewrites--stuff that doesn't belong in the piece you are writing. I agree, its a good stanza, easily could the basis of another another song. Definitely is usuable, if she were to find another song for it. But if it were my piece--and I'm very clear about it NOT being mine, I'd lose the 3rd stanza, along with the 1st.

You say that you don't think she is aiming to write a good lyric poem in this song. My answer: if she is writing a lyric song, which is the type of song this is--ie it isn't a narrative song--then the only way of judging whether it works or not is judge it as a lyric song.

Are you clear about the definition of the word "lyric" as I'm using it to describe a specific type of poem/song? I don't mean "lyric" in the sense of "words to any song" as in "The lyrics to this song."

As to my "fast and reckless" statement, I think I made pretty clear, when asked, that I was stating my opinion. You are, of course, free to disagree.