"Watch out for the F-in bear..." warned Shane as he followed his big brother through the entrance.

It was smoky and dim inside. Johnny Death looked up from his "Unreleased Elvis" journal, and did his famous scowl-cum-rueful grin. "Talk about yer f**king low-lifes," he muttered. "The neighborhood just lost 20% of its market value."

"I'll have a beer," said Shane, winking at the waitress. "Make it an Export, unless ya got Warthog Ale."

"Same here," said Don. "No wait, what's the bear drinkin'?"

"He's a Molson Golden drinker," she replied.

"Geez!" exclaimed Don. "The good smooth ale, eh? That explains the massive gut on that flipper. How many has he downed?"

"35."

"That's nothin'," said Shane. "I can drink Golden till it's comin' outta my ears. I chugged 56 Golden once. Golden is for simps and wussies!"

"Why don't you talk to the bear about it?" said the waitress, sarcastically.

"I just might do that," blustered Shane. He stayed on his barstool, however, stalling for time.

"Hey look! There's some chick with a F-in accordion," said Don, nudging Shane gleefully in the ribs.

"You gotta be kiddin'. They don't allow accordions in this kinda place. Accordions are only for Mafia parties and funerals. And they give em to the new arrivals in Hell too."

At that very moment, coffee-drinking Carol started to play. It was a classical piece. Nothing grates on the ears of hosers like classical music. It can drive them to acts of sheer madness...

"Flip me with a wire brush," groaned Shane. "Where's the F-in jukebox?"

He dug in his pockets and fished out a loonie, 2 toonies, and some Canadian Tire money, and made a beeline for the jukebox.

"Dig this, man!" They got "Highway to Hell" on here. AWWW-RIGHTTTT!!!"

Within seconds a flood of heavy metal music was pouring out of the machine, almost (but not quite) drowning out the dulcet strains of Carol's accordion.

Johhny Death scowled more darkly than ever. He hated heavy metal, even more than he hated most post-1965 music. "When I become dictator for life," he thought, "I will have all the heavy metal musicians executed and their bodies ground up for fertilizer." He smiled wistfully at the thought.

- LH