THE OLD MAID
A Parody on "Dame Durden"
[tune: Dame Durden] (Bodlian Library)

AN old mid kept five great Tom-cats
To show her love to males;
She also kept five he-pug dogs,
To wag their curly tails:
"Twas Tim and Bob, And Jem and Bob and
Tommy old and stale;
And Humb [and Dump] and Pomp, and Stump, and
Towser sick and pale,
'Twas Tim Scratch'd Humpy!
And Bob scratch'd Dumpy!
And Jem scratch'd Stumpy!
And Hob scratch'd Pompey!
And Tommy old and stale,
And Towser sick and pale;
And Pompey was a charming dog to carry a curly tail.

The old maid every day at noon
Did her bed-fellows call;
But neither cats nor dogs would stir,
Till she began to bawl.
"twas…"

'Twas on the first day of Leap-year
When maids go courting flats,
The old maid brought a husband home
And kick'd out dogs and cats
'Twas…
And Pompey was ready to hang himself but only hung his tail.

Note: the printed copy did not have the words in the square brackets at that location, but the meter and subsequent copies of the chorus show that they should be there