Upton's Pig
(To the tune of "Uptown Girl")

Upton's pig
Her barrister is putting on his wig
Because they're off to fight a legal battle
To halt the slaughter of the sheep and cattle
And little pigs...

And Grunty's fans, well they want him al-i-i-ive
He's got his own show on Channel Fi-i-ive

Upton's farm
Went to another and it brought them harm
They had to go and call the vet
To Grunty's home in Somerset
Oh no, oh no...

And Grunty's fans, well they want him al-i-i-ive
He's got his own show on Channel Fi-i-ive

Upton's judge
He's not the type of man to hold a grudge
He said that Grunty could go free
Now he's back again on our TV
hip hip hooray...
And Grunty's fans, they're so glad he's al-i-i-ive
They'll tune in weekly to Channel Fi-i-ive

Upton's pig
Oh Upton's piiiiiiiiig...
(repeat ad nauseum to fade)