So one day Jesus strolls down to the pearly gates and says to St. Peter, "Hey Pete! That job of yours doesn't look all that tough. Mind if I try?"
St. Peter says, "Well, all right, if you really want to," and goes off to play golf in another joke. Pretty soon, a small, wrinkled, old man, looking about three days older than water, comes tottering up to the desk.
Jesus looks down at him and says, "Can I help you, old man? You don't seem to be in the book here."
"Well," says the man, "I'm looking for my son. Have you seen him?"
"There are quite a few people up here," says Jesus. "Can you tell me something about him that would help me recognize him?"
The man thinks a bit, and then says, "Well, he had holes in his hands and his feet."
Jesus looks a bit surprised, and then says, slowly, "Tell me, old man, what did you do for a living?"
"I was a carpenter."
Jesus' eyes grow wide, and with a mixture of doubt and elation on his face, says...."Father?!"
The man's face lights up with a beautiful smile, and, his voice shaking with emotion, replies..."Pinocchio????"

All right, to even the religious score, the chief rabbi of Jerusalem dies and goes to heaven. God Himself meets him at the gate and says, "Rabbi, since you have lived such a holy and sainted life, I would like to invite you to dine with me."
The rabbi is thrilled beyond words. God takes him to a small private room, and goes out, saying, "I'll be right back with the food." Through an open door, the man can see a huge banquet room with sumptuous food piled on tables, and hundreds of people enjoying a magnificent meal. God comes back carrying a tray with a jar of pickled herring, a few slices of rye bread, and two bottles of Dr. Brown's soda. He butters the bread, serves the herring, and the two eat and share deep philosophical thoughts.
This same scenario is repeated night after night. Each night, the rabbi watches other people having a lavish banquet, while he and God eat herring and rye bread. Finally, he can no longer stand it.
"Lord of the Universe," he says, "I am grateful for the tremendous honor you show me by dining with me, and by having these wonderful discussions. But I must ask you, why are all those people having all that sumptuous food, while we simply eat pickled herring?"
God looks at the rabbi with a puzzled expression and says, "For just two...who wants to cook?"

Aloha,
Mark