To the tune of "The Little Beggarman"

A LESSON FROM THE MASTER
I am the best in all the world at spitting out the dung
Great honour on my place of birth my spitting feats have brung
But now, alas, my powers have waned and I must forsake my crown
But before I do, I've promised to write some instructions down
So kindly pay attention to my words of good advice
I'd hate to see them wasted and I shall not print them twice
So be prepared, dear listener, to take my words to heart
To learn first-hand the secrets of a master of his art

The first concerns the working of the lips and teeth and tongue
Technique is all important when it comes to spitting dung
Slackness is anathema, keep your muscles firm and tight
Until the final moment when the pellet's given flight
Cheeks filled to capacity, the pressure it will build
Until the moment comes when you release the little pill
And watch with satisfaction as you spit a personal best
Your technique's not been found wanting when subjected to the test

Selecting dung, dear student, is a skill not many know
There's a range of choice, from the humble mouse to the mighty buffalo
The rat, the cat, the weasel, the skunk and the raccoon
(The latter highly favoured by we friends of the spittoon)
The rabbit's ball-shaped dung, I fear, is much too small and dry
Likewise that of the mountain sheep, the goat and the aye-aye
I've tried them all, and the best I've found, I'll pass it on to you
Is the dung of that wee antelope, the African kudu

You've listened to my coaching, I hope you feel the urge
To spit a bit of animal shit, I hope you have the cour'ge
So step on up and take your place in a contest while you can
This noble sport is open to every woman, child and man
You'll learn about trajectory, velocity and aim
And if you practice hard enough, you'll soon find that your game
Escalates by leaps and bounds, until – you mark my words –
You'll be sending out a challenge to the champion of the world