Thought I would put my oar in again. As others have pointed out, we have to be careful of sterotyping. Stereotyping leads us into a "us-them" minefield that is difficult to negotiate. I am not innocent of sterotyping (who could be, brought up in human society?) but do try hard not to. So here goes. I agree with WyoWoman that not all gay men are divas - I have known many stolid, suburban types who would prefer to stay home and weed the garden or paint the house rather than be caught dead in a feather boa, who would prefer to sing in their local church choir rather than sing pop, glitz or hard core, as one person put it. Also, there have been, since way back when, gay men who have made a huge contribution to ALL areas of culture, not just the glitzy. In addition, I have met many "fruity" "foo-foo" men (terms used by others), whom I thought gay, but who turned out to be heterosexual to the core (if there is any such thing). John Hardly implies that gay men are not interested in the folk scene because (to paraphrase) "the pickings are slim when looking for potential sex partners". This brings up another steroetype about gay males - that they are highly oversexed and are constantly cruising for sex. This may be true for a small minority (as it may be true for a small minority of straight men) but most gay men I know are either in long term monogamous partnerships or wish they were, and are really more concerned with the everyday running of their lives as are heterosexuals - paying off the mortgage, fixing the leak in the roof, and juggling who's family to have Christmas dinner with. In contrast, John Hardly says "lesbians who by nature and desired appearance do not care to fit a societal norm".... This raises a couple of points. Firstly, what is this societal norm? Secondly, there is no stereotypical lesbian, as there is no stereotypical gay man, straight man, or straight woman. Again, some gay women are very obvious, but I have known women whom I guessed to be gay on first meeting, who turned out to be dyed-in-the-wool straight, and visa-versa. People may be very surprised to learn how many "lipstick lesbians" (as gays call them) there are out there - gay women who share an interest in makeup, hairstyles, clothes etc etc that are considered the preserve of straight women. In answer to the question, how do gays without identifying secondary behaviours get to find each other - they go to clubs, join gay organisations, meet through friends, or get to know each other through regular conversation, like straight folks do.
As to the question of society ignoring lesbians - maybe gay women are ignored more than gay men because women IN GENERAL are ignored - what they do is not important.
Finally, I can't for the life of me understand why some straight men hate gay men so much that they would be violent towards them, sometimes to the point of murdering them. After all, shouldn't a het male welcome gay males because it means fewer men out there competing for women. Here is another thing I dont understand. If a man approaches a women, all she has to do is say "No thanks, I'm not interested" if she aint. If a gay man approaches a straight man in a similar manner, why is it that some men can say "no thanks" but others have to beat the gay guy to a pulp? Can someone who knows anything about this enlighten me please? Just Wondering