To the tune of "Hotel California"

We went all-inclusive
Cos I felt kind of flash
We wanted exclusive
Not just some place to crash
The brochure boasted
Cut-glass chandeliers
24/7 luxury
Free food and free beers

The flight in from Gatwick
Was eight hours late
I was feeling quite fractious
My wife was irate
The bus from the airport
Got lost on the way
We arrived at reception
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel Mallorca
You'll get a big surprise
(But it won't be nice)
Plenty of room at the Hotel Mallorca
Leave at any price
Please take my advice

No bell-boy or porter
To carry our bags
And we were stationed on the nineteenth floor
The walk was a drag
When we entered the bedroom
The bed was unmade
The pillows were greasy
And the sheets semen-stained

To accompany dinner
I asked for some wine
Tasted as if it was opened
In 1969
And in my paella
I swear something moved
I complained to the waiter
Who muttered something rude

Welcome to the Hotel Mallorca
You'll get a big surprise
(But it won't be nice)
Plenty of room at the Hotel Mallorca
Leave at any price
Please take my advice

Cracks in the ceiling
Pubic hair in the ice
Skidmarks in the toilets
Kitchens crawling with mice
Condoms on the balcony
Tampons in the pool
Travel agent's laughing
Thinks that we're just fools

Dead rat in the walkway
Leading up to our room
Fist-fight in the bar last night
Just added to the gloom
The desk-clerk's a junkie
His boss is a thug
The only guests who are satisfied
Are the lice, the fleas and the bugs

Welcome to the Hotel Mallorca
You'll get a big surprise
(But it won't be nice)
Plenty of room at the Hotel Mallorca
Leave at any price
Please take my advice