Tips for our beloved Brits in beautiful Orlando, FLA (my hometown):

The Sun is different here - though it seems twice as bright, it cannot burn you no matter how much skin you show and for how long.

You have probably noticed that all our paper money is the same color - this is because it is all of the same value (approx. half a British Pound) The different numbers on the corners are merely an intricate identification system.

Mickey Mouse is not only the official host of the City of Orlando, he is also the mayor. Also, because of some unusual voting circumstances last year, Goofy is now the Governor of Florida.

Remember when driving around the Orlando area, everyone who lives here works for you, to make your stay more pleasurable. Please feel free to stop in the middle of any intersection and ask those who's ways are blocked how to get to Universal Studios.

Please remember that while Orlando is a multi-cultural community, we are still part of the South and talking down to people of color is expected - especially when asking directions in the middle of an intersection.

It is interesting to note that Orlando's history is quite ancient - off of Interstate 4 near downtown, is an archeological site quaintly known as "The Holy Land Experience." This site is where one of the lost tribes of Israel stopped wandering - and founded the first theme park in history (with the possible exception of the Gardens of Babylon).

Handguns have recently been outlawed and authorities are completely certain that everyone has turned in their weapons - thus it is safe to wander around in the poorer areas of Orlando at night, while wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

No matter which bar you enter - your children are always welcome, though we suggest that they stick to drinking lighter beverages such as beer and wine. Also, it is customary for locals to welcome Brits (and Canadians) with at least two free drinks - make certain that you recieve them and when finished, make sure to throw your glass at the bell that hands behind the bar in most places - the bartenders like that and if you hit it you will receive a special reward.

Like the beaches of France, Sea World is now topless-friendly - enjoy your day at the park in just a bikini bottom. In fact, legend has it that Shamu(TM) performs better seeing the unfettered breast of middleaged women from Birmingham.

Pax all.