The "side" relationship can only fill the gaps the primary relationship has left. So the "side" relationship lacks the ingredients that are working in the primary relationship, and seldom can stand on its own if the primary relationship ends. One relationship (of that depth) has to end, with good closure, before another has much chance of succeeding. A lot of what makes the relationship "work" now will not be there if he is "free."

Do you want the most important things in your deepest relationshp to depend on what's wrong in the relationship between two other people, one of whom can only be partly committed to you?

And to what extent is your attractiveness to the other person based on the fact that because you are willing to play, he can ignore the things that need to change (in him) to make his primary commitment work? Do you want to be the feel-good thing that allows another broken relationship to drag on without resolution?

To what extent is your lover's attractiveness to you based on the fact that because he is willing to play, you can ignore the things that need to change (in you) to make a primary commitment work? Do you want him to be the feel-good thing that allows you to avoid a relationship with full commitment?

~Susan