2011 and the West has lost WW3. In Britain, the Al-Qaeda Government cunningly embraces the idolatrous medium of TV and unveils its latest weapon: Taliban TV!

SCHEDULE: 0600am: "G-Had TV". Morning prayers.

08.30: "Talitubbies". Talitubbies say "Ah-ha!". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

0900: "Shouts of Praise". More prayers.

1100: "Jihad's Army". The Khandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by Imperialist, Zionist-backed Infidels.

12.00: "Ready, Steady, Jihad!". Celebrities make lethal weapons out of everyday objects.

1230: "Panoramadam". The programme reports on America's attempt to take over the World.

1330: "Xena: Modestly-Dressed Housewife". Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

1400: "Only Fools and Camels". Dhal-boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

1430: "Green Peter". The total of Kalashikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

1500: "Madrasah Challenge". Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions, 'Starter for ten - no praying'.

1530: "I Love 629". A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

1600: "Question Time". Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

1700: "Koranation Street". Deidre faces executution by stoning for adultery.

1730: "Middle-East-Enders". The entire cast is jailed for un-Islamic activities.

1800: "Holiday". The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

1830: "Top of the Prophets". Will The Koran be No. 1 for the 63,728th week running?

1900: "Who wants to be a Mujahadeen?" Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'Inshallah' or ask the Islamic Council?

2000: FILM: "Shariah's Angels". The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

2130: "Big Brother". Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

2230: "Shahs in their eyes". More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the Infidels.

2330: "They Think It's Allah Over". Quiz culminating in 'don't feel the Mullah round'.

0000: "When Imans Attack". Amusing footage shot in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

0030: "The West Bank Show". Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

0130: "Bhufi the Infidel Slayer".

0200: "The Gaza Strip". The adult hour where couples discuss their favourite strategic positions.

0300: "A Book At Bedtime". The Koran. Again.