On Receiving a Pig as a Present
(tune not yet written)

I don't expect diamonds, I know he's not rich
But that boyfriend of mine is a sonofabitch
For my birthday I don't know quite what I expected
But something ROMANTIC I'd hoped he'd selected
Not fancy, not pricey, not antique, not big
But why in the hell did he get me a PIG?
I mean, come on, bright boy, just once why not THINK?
What girl wants a present that smells and goes OINK?
But while I'm deciding whether I should just dump 'im,
Two burglars come burgling, and the goddam pig jumped 'em!
Now my boyfriend's a hero, as well as his present
And I must admit now I am feeling more pleasant
About the bizarre gift he gave me. What foresight!
But when I said "thanks for the pig!" he said, "poor sight
has played a cruel joke. I must get new glasses!
I thought I had bought you a dog!" -- Now THAT's what class is.

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved and such.