THE SAILOR'S ARMS

Weh-heh-yeh-heh-weh-heh-yeh-heh-hell!
(Weh-heh-weh-heh-wang-dang-a-wang-dang-dang-dang)
I met her at the Sailors Arms; a bar down by the docks;
Full of prostitutes and deviants, and fellas wearing frocks.
Went there to drown my sorrow, my misery and pai-ee-ai-ee-ain!
With fourteen multicoloured pills and a pint of heavy ale!
(Heavy Ale)
Then I saw this girl across the way who was smiling through the wine,
So I begged her, "Come on over! Come on over; spend some time!"
I spilled my life before her and she seemed to understand;
Although she was a girl, we were talking man to man.
(Man to man)

Oh, love is where you find it; wherever that may be --
For me 'twas in the Sailors Arms at twenty-five past three. (Mmm-mmm-mmm)
There's something strange about her I can't put my finger on … …
But I wanna tell the world that she's the one --
(She's the one)
I wanna tell the world that she's the one! (Wang! Wang! Wang-wang-wang!)
She strolled up to the toilets – she strolled into the gents.
I asked her why she did it; why – she'd gone to pay the rent.
We arm-wrestled and I lost – she beat me with a spike.
(Plonk)
Told me seedy jokes that were quite unladylike,
(Ladylike)
It was four in the morning and through the smoky haze,
I could've been mistaken but she needed to shave.
(To shave)

Well, love is where you find it; wherever that may be --
For me 'twas in the Sailors Arms with a better man than me;
(Mmm-mmm-mmm)
Her husky voice seduced me, my heart was in a mess … …
I sat upon her knee and something twitched beneath her dress;
There's something that's not her knee beneath her dress.

"You've got nice eyes", says I,
("Oh sir, I am surprised!")
"What large hands", I said,
("All the better to touch you with!")
"God, your arms look strong"
("A woman's work is never done!")
"Your legs are quite hirsute!"
("Aren't you the saucy one!") Hey!
Weh-heh-yeh-heh-weh-heh-yeh-heh-hell!
(Weh-heh-weh-heh-wang-dang-a-wang-dang-dang-dang)
I was feeling less than stable when she said her name was Ken.
(Ken?!)
Well if I had suspicions, Lord, I should've had them then.
(Then?)
She cried as she told me how she was so confused;
One more visit to the doctor, she'd have nothing left to lose.
(Toulouse … Lautrec)
I ran my fingers through her wig, she lightly stroked my hair;
She said she was a man, and I …
("Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! She said she was a man?!")
… a man?! …
("A man called Ken – bull-twang!")
"But lots of men are called Ken …"
("Huh?") ("So what did you say, Paul?")
I told her, "I don't care"
(He doesn't care!)
(He doesn't care!)

Love is where you find it; wherever that may be --
For me, 'twas in a hopper-bin with my trousers round my knees.
There's something strange about here I just put my finger on …
"Oh, by Jesus! Feel that, just above the perineum there – that's a bit of plastic surgery, isn't it?"
"Get your filthy fingers away from it, Richard!"
And I wanna tell the world that she's the one,
(He's the one!)
I wanna tell the world that it's the one!