ULYSSES

When Ulysses comes home,
He always greets me with an open heart,
But you will see how Ulysses
Has taken my life apart.

I've got a dog called Ulysses.
He plays all day in the park,
Sniffing at his friends and the chestnut trees,
And chasing cats 'til after dark.

When my Ulysses comes home,
Wag-wag, woof-woof, his tail in the air,
His usual exuberance
Is awfully hard to bear.

When I stumble home at night, I'm jaded and stale,
And so I try to take a little repose.
I don't want waking up with a happy tail.
I don't want a kiss from a big wet nose.

When my Ulysses comes home,
Wag-wag, woof-woof, he gets on my wick.
For Ulysses communicates
His love with a snuffle and a lick.

I like to sit in my fireside chair,
Watching telly 'til the epilogue
In a semi-coma and without a care,
And I would do if it were not for my bloody dog.

When my Ulysses comes home,
Wag-wag, woof-woof, like a maniac,
It's useless to pursue my viewing,
So I sent my television back.

I tried to climb the social scale,
And so I organised a little "do".
Some very posh people came to my cocktail,
But at half-past seven my party was through.

When my Ulysses came home,
Wag-wag, woof-woof, I knew I was sunk.
My guests were not at all impressed,
And they left when my dog got drunk.

I brought my sweetie home one night,
And we both knew that this was it.
Sipping Chianti by candlelight,
We were getting to a very important bit.

When my Ulysses came home,
Wag-wag, woof-woof, he broke the spell,
Intruding on my beautiful romance,
Like a Hound from Hell.

My one solution is quick and grim:
A little bottle of cyanide.
I can't bring myself to get rid of him.
I shall have to perform a suicide.

So when Ulysses comes home,
Wag-wag, woof-woof, home for his tea,
He'll have to cry a little bit,
For having given so much love to me.

Recorded on: Jake Thackray's Last Will and Testament

AndyG

Spelling corrected. --JoeClone, 18-Jul-02.