Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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Crazy Laws -----------
In Temperance, MS, you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.
In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses.
In Kansas City, KS, saying the name "George Washington" without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.
In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
An old statute in Flint, MI, compels dentists to offer a slug of whiskey with no additional charge to said patient.
The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name San Francisco. It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life.
In Salzburg, Germany, any child born on August 18th must be tested for possible witchcraft. This is due to a local legend that an evil warlock was born on that day in 1638.
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His mother was now living in Miami Beach, and the young man didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother.
A few days later, he called. "Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."
"You ate the bird?!? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"
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There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
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As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?".
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
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A father is In church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The five-year-old was taken by the whole procedure of pouring water over the infant's head... With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and whispered, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?
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A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo." The bartender gives him a tall, ice-cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says, "I'll have a waterloo too.'" The bartender gives him a tall, ice-cold drink. He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water ! " The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it IS water...right Lou?"
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It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, l've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "Look, I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"