Morticia: Oh! Thanks! (I was thinking "Sack Of...") ("...Hubris"? "...Hummus"?)

Jack: LOL!

Okay, it's my turn.... Here in the States, the Hallmark company (the greeting-card conglomerate) starts selling its line of "collector" Christmas ornaments and other holiday items in its chain of stores in July, so I'm guessing that that would be the "first month." I'm on their mailing list for all sorts of offers, bonus points and other promotions, so let me give you some idea of......

THE TWELVE MONTHS OF A HALLMARK CHRISTMAS

JULY: In the first month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
A coupon to get a bear free ("with the purchase of $50 or more at our Christmas-Hanukah-Ramadan-and-Kwanzaa-Ornament Premiere which no one shows up for because they're all at the beach").

AUGUST: In the second month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("with the purchase of $40 or more as we unveil our exclusive 'Star Wars Episode Googol' figurine").

SEPTEMBER: In the third month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("with the purchase of $35 or more as we present our exclusive Latest-Disney-Movie-not-yet-in-theaters ornament series").

OCTOBER: In the fourth month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Four sample cards ("You are thought of at Columbus Day and always")
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("with the purchase of $25 or more at our two-day Open House [which we should call Open Store] when we reveal this year's long-awaited Overdressed Overpriced Exclusive Barbie Doll – don't miss it!").

NOVEMBER: In the fifth month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Five "Gold Crown" points ("accumulate several hundred points for a $5 discount, good for one purchase – points expire November 2nd")
Four sample cards ("You are thought of at Discovery of Puerto Rico Day and always")
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("when you purchase an exclusive bear that kisses the free bear, plus you also have to buy more cards than you'll ever send").

DECEMBER: In the sixth month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Six Christmas stickers ("sickeningly sweet woodland creatures with long eyelashes and Santa hats – our gift to you, our valued customer – happy holidays")
Five "Gold Crown" points ("accumulate several hundred points for a $5 discount, good for one purchase but not before Christmas because we don't need to draw you in then; we're already making money hand over fist")
Four sample cards ("You are thought of at The Immaculate Conception of Mary Day and always")
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("with the purchase of our exclusive snow globe depicting the Coca-Cola Santa drowning in it").

JANUARY: In the seventh month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Seven sale reminders ("all Christmas merchandise 40% off")
Six Christmas stickers ("sickeningly sweet woodland creatures with long eyelashes and Santa hats – great for winter, too!")
Five "Gold Crown" points ("accumulate several hundred points for a bonus $7 discount, good for one purchase so stock up on Christmas items for next year before we try to sell you new ones!")
Four sample cards ("You are thought of at The Chinese New Year and always")
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("with the purchase of $15 or more: our exclusive design with last year's date sewn onto its foot, while supplies last").

FEBRUARY: In the eighth month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Eight chatty e-mails ("what an exciting time it is here at the company...")
Seven sale reminders ("all Christmas merchandise 50% off")
Six Christmas stickers ("sickeningly sweet woodland creatures with long eyelashes and Santa hats – red for Valentine's Day!")
Five "Gold Crown" points ("accumulate several hundred points for a $5 discount, good for one purchase so get those old Christmas items before we give up and send them back to Missouri!")
Four sample cards ("You are thought of at Groundhog Day and always")
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("with the purchase of $10 or more: our last-year's exclusive edition, a collector's item, going fast").

MARCH: In the ninth month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Nine applications ("join our Ornament Collector's Club and receive these special ornaments from last year, available to members only")
Eight chatty e-mails ("we're so thrilled here at the company...")
Seven sale reminders ("all Valentine's Day merchandise 50% off")
Six Christmas stickers ("sickeningly sweet woodland creatures with long eyelashes and Santa hats – still chilly in that March wind!")
Five "Gold Crown" points ("accumulate several hundred points for a $5 discount, good for one purchase but why should you care? You didn't buy a single Lion King ornament, did you, and now WE have to return them to make room for the Easter *crap*")
Four sample cards ("You are thought of at Canberra Day and always")
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("with the purchase of three cards: our adorable never-to-be-offered-again exclusive bruin is almost gone! Hurry in now!").

APRIL: In the tenth month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Ten-figurine sets ("this 10-piece miniature reindeer-and-sleigh set will make you smile in anticipation of the holidays")
Nine applications ("join our Ornament Collector's Club and receive a special discount for admission to our Ornament Convention where all the things you wouldn't buy on sale are now outrageously priced so you can call yourself a serious collector")
Eight chatty e-mails ("we're so passionate here at the company...")
Seven sale reminders ("all Valentine's Day merchandise 60% off")
Six Christmas stickers ("sickeningly sweet woodland creatures with long eyelashes and Santa hats – ready to greet the Easter Bunny to the North Pole!")
Five "Gold Crown" points ("accumulate several hundred points for a $5 discount, good for one purchase which you can make at our Ornament Convention as if $5 would buy you anything there")
Four sample cards ("You are thought of at April Fool's Day and always")
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("with the purchase of any card: limited time offer!").

MAY: In the eleventh month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Eleven lines of credit
Ten-figurine sets ("this 10-piece miniature Santa's Workshop set will make you salivate in anticipation of the holidays")
Nine applications ("join our Ornament Collector's Club and receive a special discount for admission to yet another Ornament Convention")
Eight chatty e-mails ("we're in ecstasy here at the company...")
Seven sale reminders ("all Easter merchandise 40% off")
Six Christmas stickers ("sickeningly sweet woodland creatures with long eyelashes and Santa hats – with white snow and blue ice, they're the perfect little patriots!")
Five "Gold Crown" points ("accumulate several hundred points for a $5 discount, good for one purchase which you can make at our Ornament Convention where the original artist will sign your ornament and make it even more expensive")
Four sample cards ("You are thought of at Primary Election Day and always")
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("just for visiting our store – what a wonderful way to remember Christmas past!").

JUNE: In the twelfth month of Christmas, the card store sent to me
Twelve invitations ("you are cordially invited to skip your vacation to attend OUR ORNAMENT PREMIERE NEXT MONTH and drag eleven of your family and friends along for this loving tribute to commercialism – make it part of your holiday tradition!")
Eleven lines of credit
Ten-figurine sets ("this 10-piece miniature Hallmark Store set, complete with salespeople, cash registers and ORNAMENT PREMIERE display, will make you camp on our doorstep in anticipation of the holidays")
Nine applications ("join our Ornament Collector's Club and receive these ornaments from last year, available to members only, before we offer new ones at OUR ORNAMENT PREMIERE COMING NEXT MONTH")
Eight chatty e-mails ("we're practically having an orgasm here at the company...")
Seven sale reminders ("all miscellaneous holiday merchandise 75% off")
Six Christmas stickers ("sickeningly sweet woodland creatures with long eyelashes and Santa hats – REMINDING YOU THAT OUR ORNAMENT PREMIERE IS JUST A MONTH AWAY!")
Five "Gold Crown" points ("accumulate several hundred points for a $5 discount, good for one purchase at OUR ORNAMENT PREMIERE COMING NEXT MONTH – points expire the day after the premiere")
Four sample cards ("You are thought of at the first-quarter moon and always")
Three brochures
Two special offers
And a coupon to get a bear free ("just for walking within 50 yards of our sidewalk sale! Let one of our six million leftover cuddly cubs remind you that OUR ORNAMENT PREMIERE IS NEXT MONTH!!!").


(...and yes, I'll be there the day after Christmas, standing in line at the checkout with my arms full of sale-price ornaments I don't need, because I have to have the next one in each series, just like all the other fools...)

Sharon