Ten competitors waited their turn to sing in the The Half Dead Ted Tavern For Hosers and Back Bacon Cafe singing competition. One or two stood out as being pretty good. The dancer in the Atherly Arms t-shirt sang a hauntingly beautiful song about a garden. And the hoser with the harmonicas did an interesting little blues number. The rest tried their best not to embarass themselves, and they came close. The last contestant got up on stage. The hoser with the baggy pants stood uneasily on the stage with a pained look on his face. He'd swallowed part of a pretzle the wrong way and it was lodged in his throat. He wanted to get out of the competition but the bouncer wouldn't give his five dollar fee back when he tried to withdraw. "Dammit" he thought. If I can't have my money back, they're just going have to suffer with me.

He opened his mouth and the sound that came out of it was like empty cans being dragged behind a pickup truck. Someone said it sounded like Tom Waits singing "Brown Eyed Girl". Three people in the audience left because of migraines. An ambulance arrived in the middle of the song to pick up one of the other contestants who appeard to have suddenly succumbed to a psychotic episode. When the baggy pants hoser was finished, the room was in shock. Never in the history of The Half Dead Ted Tavern For Hosers and Back Bacon Cafe singing comptetion had anyone sounded this bad.

Until Half Dead Ted himself showed up. Legends of Half Dead Ted's singing were whispered in dark corners and behind dumpsters. Everyone in town knew the legends, but nobody alive could remember ever having heard him sing. By the end of his song, everyone who hadn't been anesthetized with copious amounts of alcohol (which was almost everyone), was unconscious on the floor. Half Dead Ted lost the competition by a long shot.

The Atherly Arms dancer turned to the baggy pants singer and said, "You really are a loser. You can't even hold on to last place".