Oh, sufferin' Jesus! Now somebody tells me it's pronounced Spo-Kan!

In which case – to the tune of "Kelly The Boy From Killane" (another place spelt ane but pronounced an) – let's hear it for "Martin, The Turkey From Spokane".

What's the news, what's the news oh my bold shelmalier
And why are you travelling with such haste
Is the earth 'bout to quake, is the dam 'bout to break
To all before it laying waste?
You may joke, you may jest but nevertheless
When you hear what I say, you'll grow wan
You'll holler and howl, this is murder most fowl
They've killed Martin, the Turkey from Spokane

Not a bird of the air, like the dodo so rare
He was feathered, but his wings were little stumps
He could often be found, tryin' to leave the ground
But the best he could manage was a jump
And though he was big as a pot-bellied pig
He was never a match for a man
Who snoke up behind and with murder in mind
Butchered Marty, the Turkey from Spokane

To hear of such news makes me shake in my shoes
I am frightened and terrified and scared
To commit such an act, and so matter-of-factly
I'd punish the culprit if I dared
But I'll freely admit I am more than a bit
In awe of this brute of a man
Who, in dead of the night, put an end to the life
Of Martin, the Turkey from Spokane

So let's not avenge, let us meet and arrange
A tribute that's fitting to the bird
As a mark of respect let the townsfolk collect
We'll commission a few well-chosen words
We shall speak of our pride, of our shock when he died
Each mourner will do what they can
And with tears in our eyes, we shall each eat a slice
Of Martin, the Turkey from Spokane