DEAR AUNTIE VERA
(Jeremy Taylor)

Dear Auntie Vera: you're somebody I trust.
Won't you tell me how to add two inches to my bust?
Please, won't you tell me if there's any way that I
Can try and take two extra inches off my thigh?

[V 2 Transposes] I can't seem to get the necessary form that men admire,
The kind that turns their heads and inflames them with desire,
But I'm sure that men would gaze at me and say that she's a must
If only I could add two extra inches to my bust.

[V 3 transposes back] And then there's the question of the colour of my hair.
I just can't seem to get it right. It drives me to despair.
And when I've backcombed it, spray-set it and curled up all the ends,
I find that overnight they've gone and changed the flipping trends.

[V 4 trans] Oi! Help me, Auntie Vera. Help me if you can.
Surely, there is some way that I can catch a man.
I'm sure that men would gaze at me and say that she's a must,
If only I could add two extra inches to my bust.

[V 5 tr.] They say that I'm the kind of flower that decorates the wall.
People in the garden hardly notice me at all.
But if one of those passers-by should accidentally fall,
I'd gather him in me creeping vine and crush him to the wall.

[V 6 Tr.] Ursula Andress, Brigitte Bardot,
Sophia Loren and the girls in "Dr. No"
Have got a little something, something more than me--
To be precise, 38 inches where inches ought to be.

[V 7 T] Now I've been to the doctor to enquire about me genes.
I've answered all the adverts in the women's magazines.
I've tried taking hormones, pills of this and that,
But I've found it's impossible. You can't get tit for tat.

[V 8 T] So, help me, Auntie Vera. Help me if you can.
Surely, there must be some way that I can catch a man.
I'm sure that men would gaze at me and say that she's a must,
If only I could add two extra inches, two extra inches, two extra inches, oooooooooooh!

HTML line breaks added, punctuation added, spelling corrected, etc. --JoeClone, 15-Nov-02.