Cold as a stainless steel toilet seat on the north end of an iceberg.

Homely as a mud fence.

Had buck teeth so big he could eat watermelon through a picket fence.

Feet were so big he couldn't lie down to sleep.

So tight he squeaks when he walks.

So tight that he squeezes every penny 'til it screams for mercy.

He is so tight that if you put a piece o` coal in his ass, in two weeks, you'd have a diamond.

I am sure there are many more of these one-line zingers and if I had the sense God gave a turnip, I could think of them!