The Christmas Thong
Words:  Jeanene Pratt © 2001
Tune:  The Christmas Song            Mel Tormé & Robert Wells, 1946

Chester's perching on the copier;
Jackson's ripping off his clothes;
You'll find Carol being done by a buyer,*
And folks act up like pesky shmoes.

Ev'rybody knows that turkey with his mistletoe
Guarantees a raunchy time;
Fanny Scott (hers  already exposed)
Is in the fax-your-fanny line.

 We know there's gonna be horseplay,
 We're loaded girls and boys with booty to display.
 But Virgin's legal team is gonna spy
 For fear that some dear cuts her butt here and cries.

And so they're offering this silly rule:
"You kids, no copies in the nude.
You know it's been said many years, many days,
'Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas--
You're sued!'"

*Alternative lines (if the setting is altered a bit):
    Jewel's tied Carroll to a hunk from the choir
    You'll find Carol being done by the choir.
    Jewel's tied Carroll to a bunk by the fire.
**Alternative line:
    And Boy George dressed up like a 'ho.'