Áine, mo chroí, if this meets with your favour, then do I get THE BIG ONE?

SEVEN DRUNKEN MUDCAT NIGHTS
I came home on a Monday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I spied my missus lying down
Beneath a spreading tree
And on her head a bobble-hat
And she's yelling out in glee
"If I wasn't drunk, I might have thunk
You were cuckolding me!"
Oh you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly oul' fool
And still you cannot see
I'm only taking a midnight stroll
In innocent company
Well it's many's the day I've wandered
A hundred miles or more
But an innocent stroll in the nude, me boys
I never saw before

(78) I came home on a Tuesday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I spied an ashtray beside the bed
Where my oul' ashtray should be
I's about to stub my feg in there
Till my wife she yells at me
"Get out of that, you stupid prat
Let my sister's ashes be"
Oh you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly oul' fool
And still you cannot see
That's my sister's ashes that Wal-Mart delivered to me
Well it's many's the day I've wandered
A hundred miles or more
But a cigar-butt in a cremation urn
I never saw before

(18) And I came home on Wednesday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I caught a whiff of sulphur
And it put the wind up me
So I called my wife and I said to her
"Would you kindly let me know
Are we victims of possession
By the boyos down below"
"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly oul' fool
And still you cannot see
That's a brand-new IBM that my sister gave to me"
Well it's many's the day I've wandered
A hundred miles or more
But oul' Nick to reside in a 40-gig drive
I never saw before

(22) And I came home on Thursday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I saw a headless chicken
Run up the path to me
So I called my wife and I said to her
"Would you kindly tell to me
A chick, no head, but not yet dead
How can this come to be?"
"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly oul' fool
And still you cannot see
It's just a plain ol' rooster of a new variety "
Well it's many's the day I've wandered
A hundred miles or more
But a cock with a funnel instead of beak
I never saw before

(32) And I came home on Friday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I saw a mermaid on the rocks
A-beckoning to me
So I called my wife and I said to her
"It's late home I will be
For I am on a promise
With a siren of the sea"
"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly oul' fool
And still you cannot see
It's just a topless woman from the tourist industry "
Well it's many's the day I've wandered
A hundred miles or more
But a model with a fish's tail
I never saw before

(55) And I came home on Saturday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I saw a lanky cowboy
And he's motioning to me
He's got a scalpel in his hand
And he charges a high fee
So I ask my wife If she can tell
How this strange sight can be
"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly oul' fool
And still you cannot see
That's a medical doctor, with a surgical specialty "
Well it's many's the day I've wandered
A hundred miles or more
But a doctor waring chaps and spurs
Sure I never saw before

(68) And I came home on Sunday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I saw an upright tiger
And he flashed a smile at me
So I called my wife and I said to her
"Would you kindly tell to me
Tigers walking on two legs
How can this come to be?"
"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly oul' fool
And still you cannot see
It's just a man who had a plan for some skin artistry "
Well it's many's the day I've wandered
A hundred miles or more
But I've never heard a tattoed man
Let out such a hideous roar