The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #43107   Message #627845
Posted By: wysiwyg
14-Jan-02 - 03:33 PM
Thread Name: MORE ON de-Xing Xmas - continued
Subject: RE: MORE ON de-Xing Xmas - continued
In our family, equally diverse in feelings about spirituality, it finally became clear that it was NOT about diversity or tolerance, for us-- it was about family communication and people being at different places in their recovery from family-of-origin dysfunctionality.

We too went through a period of trying to make everyone comfortable, but it didn't work because no one actually had that at as a pesonal agenda!! If you looked at people's behavior, which is the best clue-- it was still about people needing one another to understand what had been old wounds delivered out of each one's own pain. Losing battle!

When we moved on, it became more about turf. Hosting rotated. Whoever hosted set a tone. Each year someone got to have it their way, tempered by however well they understood others' comfort zones. No one bitched anymore. Each year we got better at making it not comfortable, but SAFE.

I don't think spirituality is the issue here, and I think it's time to look at the wounds, not the means of receiving them. Mrrzy, you have shared repeatedly that this is an area of pain for you, or I wouldn't "go there" on this. I don't think how you celebrate a family holiday is going to heal these wounds, and I think that the holiday has to happen while whatever you ARE doing to heal them goes on. Putting the onus on the holiday or how it is celebrated... it's gonna be a shoe that won't fit each year, because each family member will be in a different place each and every year. See?

Didn't learn that in church, BTW.

~Susan