Seriously, an authoritative site like Mudcat should have this one, so here it is. In case of typos or other shortcomings, I'd much welcome a note.

SEVEN DRUNKEN NIGHTS

As I went home on a Monday night as drunk as drunk could be,
I saw a horse outside the door where me old horse should be.
I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me,
Who owns that horse outside the door where me old horse should be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
That's a lovely sow that me mother sent to me."
Well, it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But a saddle on a sow, sure, I never saw before.

As I went home on a Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be,
I saw a coat behind the door where me old coat should be.
I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me,
Who owns that coat behind the door where me old coat should be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
That's a woolen blanket that me mother sent to me."
Well, it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But buttons on a blanket, sure, I never saw before.

As I went home on a Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be,
I saw a pipe upon the chair where me old pipe should be.
I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me,
Who owns that pipe upon the chair where me old pipe should be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me."
Well, it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But tobacco in a tin whistle, sure, I never saw before.

As I came home on a Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be,
I saw two boots beneath the bed where me old boots should be.
I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me,
Who owns them boots beneath the bed where me old boots should be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
They're two geranium flowerpots me mother sent to me."
Well, it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But laces on a flower pot I never saw before.

As I came home on a Friday night as drunk as drunk could be,
I saw a head upon the bed where me old head should be.
I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me,
Who owns that head upon the bed where me old head should be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
That's a baby boy that me mother sent to me."
Well, it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But a baby boy with his whiskers on, sure, I never saw before.

As I came home on a Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be,
I spied two hands upon her breasts where me old hands should be.
I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me,
Whose hands are these upon your breasts where me old hands should be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
'Tis nothing but a Living Bra Jane Russell gave to me."
Well, it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But fingernails on a Living Bra, I never saw before.

Now when I came home on a Sunday night a little after three,
I saw a man running out the door with his pants about his knee.
I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me,
Who was that man running out the door with his pants about his knee?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
'Twas nothing but the tax collector the Queen sent to me."
Well, it's many a night I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But an Englishman that could last 'til three I never saw before.

An alternative, rather naughty, Sunday verse:

As I came home on a Sunday night a little after three
I saw a ... inside me wife where me old ... should be.
I called me wife and I said to her, "(Hey wife) Will you kindly tell to me,
Who owns that ... outside the ... where me old ... should be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
That's just the lovely Englishman me ma she sent to me."
Well, it's many a night I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But an Englishman who could stay up past three, sure, I never saw before.