NEWS FLASH Less than 24 hours after Secret Service agents wrestled a deranged pretzel to the ground, friends of the accused snack expressed shock at its alleged role in Sunday's attack on the President. Ann Wilkes of the Virginia based Snack Food Association told reporters: "Nobody detected any hints of violence from the 1400 year old snack. Its just a mixture of wheat four, yeast and salt, bathed in sodium hydroxide. I can't believe it would go postal. Sure, it was a bit of a loner, but never this twisted.
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Home Security Chief, Tom Ridge will be issuing an all-points bulletin for Mr. Salty and called for a heightened state of alert. The nation is now 220% alert and has informed on all suspicious snacks and in-laws.

Evidence is mounting that Sunday's incident isn't the first time a pretzel has stalked the president. On May 22, a fifth grader who was touring the White House found a pretzel inside the residence and pocketed it. Colin Hansen still has the snack in a plastic bag in his refrigerator but so far the FBI hasn't sought his pretzel for questioning. Democrats are lamenting the fact that Dick Cheney is now just a pretzel away from the presidency.

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