You know, I've had just about enough of this. You people think you are so-o-o funny. You remind me of the pathetic losers who traipse around the country to Star Trek conventions, begging me for my autograph, wasting my valuable time, and living vicariously through the fictional events of a totally imaginative TV show, for god's sake! It's pathetic. (If it wasn't for the money and the women, I'd simply walk away from the whole thing with no regrets...)

But I have more serious problems than your lame attempts at humour on my mind. Lately I've been experiencing some sort of weird shift in consciousness...

I've been sleeping in late and staying up until all hours in smoky bars and music clubs. I've been talking about folk music incessantly! I've been impulsively purchasing expensive and exotic instruments that I have no idea how to play! I've lost all interest in football, chainsaws, and automatic transmissions, but not, thank god, in babes. I've become very engrossed in reading anything I can get hold of about Bob Dylan, and listening to old recordings of him from the 1960's. I've been spontaneously breaking into song at the drop of a G-string, which has gotten some pretty strange reactions from people, I can tell you.

I'm really concerned about it. I told my doctor all about it, and he sent me to an analyst. The analyst listened to the whole story, and you know what he said?

He said I'm turning into Rick Fielding.

Who the hell is Rick Fielding???!!

You people are somehow responsible for this. I know you are, and I am going to make you pay for it! Mark my words.

William Shatner