OOR HAMLET
(Adam McNaughtan)

The King was sitting in his garden all alone,
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane.
Stole his brothers' crown, and his money, and his widow.
But the dead King walked, and got his son, and said, "Hey listen kid. Oh

I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius.
You kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
The kid says, "Right I'll do it but I'll have to play it crafty.
So no-one will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty."

So with all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend,
Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's round the bend,
And because he isn't ready for obligatory killing.
He tries to make the King believe he's tuppence off the shilling.

Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile.
Tells Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Denmark's a bleeding jail.
Then a group of travelling players maybe Seven Eighty-Four.
Arrive to do a special one night gig in Elsinore.

Hamlet, Hamlet, acting barmy,
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mammy,
Hamlet, Hamlet, hesitating,
Wonders if the ghost's asleep, and that's why he was waiting.

So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact.
So Horatio and him could watch to see if Claudius cracked.
Now the play was called The Mousetrap not the one that's running now
And sure enough the King walked out before the play was through.

So Hamlet's got the proof that Claudius give his dad the dose.
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows.
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit one.
Uncle Claude puts out a contract with the English King as Hit Man.

So when Hamlet killed Polonius. The concealed corpus delecti
Was the Kings excuse to send him for an English hempen necktie.
With Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there,
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair

When Laertes heard his dad had been stabbed through the arras,
He came running back to Elsinore, tout-suite, hot-foot, from Paris,
And Ophelia with her dad killed by the man she wants to marry,
After saying it with flowers. She committed hari-kari.

Hamlet, Hamlet, no messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet, learned his lesson,
Hamlet, Hamlet, Yoricks' crust,
Convinced him that men, good or bad, at last must come to dust.

Then Laertes lost his place - and was demanding retribution,
The King said keep your head and I'll provide you a solution,
So he arranged a sword fight for the interested parties,
With a blunted sword for Hamlet, and a sharp sword for Laertes.

To make double sure, the old belt and braces line,
He fixed a poisoned sword tip and a poisoned cup of wine,
Well the poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and muffed it.
'Cos he got stabbed as well, and he confessed before he snuffed it.

Then Hamlets' mammy drank the wine and as her face turned blue,
Hamlet said, "I think the Kings a baddy through and through."
"Incestuous, murderous, damnéd Dane!" he said to be precise,
And made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice.

'Cos he stabbed him with the knife and forced the wine between his lips,
He said, "The rest is silence." That was Hamlet had his chips.
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter,
And then Fortinbras, knee deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.

Hamlet, Hamlet, all that gory,
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story,
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way,
And if you think that that was boring -
You should read the bloody play.

Words: Adam McNaughtan
Tune: The Masons Apron

Seven Eighty-Four (7-48) were (are?) a stage company who took their name from the distribution of wealth. (7% of the population have 84% of the wealth).

Laertes is mis-pronounced in line 4 verse 9
The final line is usually spoken.
There a quite a few strategic pauses in the delivery which I've not indicated.

I think that sums it up nicely :)

AndyG