Tom …

Take my advice … re-release it under a new name.

I recorded a cover version of Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues". I called it "Crumlin Prison Blues" and it sold in bucketfuls all over the Wee North.

I called myself "The Reverend Richard Rock" … that's a big draw for the "Not On A Sunday" brigade.

And then I gave myself a wee nickname – "The Bishop of the Ballads" …

Why don't you call yourself "The Reverend Thomas Biggs, Ballymena's Blubbery Balladeer"?

Your friend

Dickie

PS here's the lyrics to "Crumlin Prison Blues". See what you think!

CRUMLIN PRISON BLUES
(with apologies to John R Cash)

I hear that train a-comin'
Rollin' round the bend
I ain't seen no sunshine
Since Lord I don't know when
I'm stuck in Crumlin prison
Time is draggin' on
And that train it keeps on rollin'
Back home to Portydown

When I was a baby
My ma done tol' me "Son
Always be a good boy
Don't you mess about with guns"
But I shot a man in Lurgan
Cos he was a taig
And I kidnap petty criminals
And then I break their legs

I bet there's alkies drinkin'
Buckfast and Scotch Mac
And the odd dope-smoker draggin'
On a bit of wacky bacc
But I knew I had it comin'
I know I have to pay
But them people keep a-movin'
That's what tortures me

If I was out of Crumlin
And that railroad train was mine
I guess that I would move
A little further down the line
Far from Crumlin Prison
That's where I long to be
Camping with my brethren
Out in ol' Drumcree