From Brian O' Rourke
This is only about a quarter of the song. I'll post the rest when I can or if anyone wants to continue it please do!!
The song is fairly self explanatory but in its entirity goes on for twenty minutes to tell the stpory of poor Johns midlife crisis

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One night in a bar I was having a jar
When my destiny it beckoned
When a vision burst in on top of my thirst
And flattened my pint in a second
'Twas a lady fair with short blonde hair
And her beauty would shame all queens
With her glistening lips and her twisting hips
In her slim fitting Levi Jeans


I got off of my stool observed my first rule
I checked my fly and my fainne
And got ready for a story, all glitter and glory
Like Diarmuid agus Grainne
Well my opening line was "Hiya Sunshine
How's it goin? My name is John"
And with a toss of her head this goddess said
"I'm Chantal du Champignon"


"Bedad" says I "You're a thoroughbred
You're no cavewoman from Cavan
You're exotic operatic and very aromatic
So tell us what are you havin?"
From the furrow on her brow I could see just how
She was torn between the short and the long
"I'll have an Irish Coffee and a pint of Murphy's"
Said Chantal du Champignon


She'd been travelling around and as yet she hadn't found
No savages scouting for scalps
She'd scaled the peaks of Kildare and Leix
Which left her homesick for the Alps
She'd seen nearly all of Donegal
She'd learned "Slainte" and "Slan agus Beannacht"
'Till some racial purist who couldn't stand tourists
Told her go to hell or to Connacht


So here she stands with a week on her hands
Before flying back to France
And she'd like to get to know Galway and Mayo
So boys I saw my chance
I said "I'm your man, I've a Hiace van
And I've damn all to do just now
And my five acre farm won't come to any harm
Sure the calf can milk the cow.


Oh to you I'll show Galway and Mayo
My privilege and my pleasure
And for fear you'd grumble, sure I'll do like Cromwell
And throw Clare in for good measure
So to hell with the silage. Lets clock up some mileage
You'll be as safe as with your Daddy"
She said "I like you more than I did before
I'll have a Smithwicks and a Paddy"


So into the van and away we ran
All along the western seaboard
And the notes from her voice were twice as nice
As those from any keyboard.
For example, "Oh John you turn me on,
You completely fill up my senses
And I can see in your eyes all the stars in the skies
Shining out through your contact lenses.


So I pulled up the van and she said, "Oh John
Please don't take it amiss"
I said "That's not you'll find what I had in mind"
Sure all I want to take is a kiss"
Well her eyes shone bright and her teeth gleamed white
And her breath it smelled of garlic
And she tore into my lips like fish and chips
In the shadows of Croagh Patrick


In the county Clare I do declare
We drank many's the tasty beverage
And the intensity of our propensity
Was way above the average
Then I offered to show her the Cliffs of Moher
And she showed me a thing or two too
And in O'Connors of Doolin she said, "I'm not foolin,
I want to spend my life with you.