Great stuff guys.For aw' ye frustrated scribblers ah stertit a wee site for the likes o' ye.Ye don't hae tae dae them in Scots,whitever ye like.Here is ane o' mine.

Weel, whit a nicht! Ah've never laughed sae much since mah Grannie fell aff her Pogo stick. By the time ah got tae the pub the place wis chokablock wi' "Artistes"fae aw' ower the neeborhood. Ye could hardly get in the door for tubas, squeeze boxes, geetars, moothies, even a big gowk wi' a kazoo. That wis jist the musical stuff. There wis also a mixture o' comics, a ventriloquist an' various funny dancers.

Anyway ah got started wi' mah wee contribution seein' as ah wis a "professional". Ah wis daen fine altho' naebody wis payin' much attention as the performers were aw' millin' aboot at the bar gettin' tanked up tae get their talents loosened up. Some o' them got a bit too loose an' fell aff the new deck that Sneck had built oot by the back door. Anyway ah felt ah had warmed them up enough when they started flingin' paper cups an' empty fag packets in mah direction.So ah took a bre'k an' went aboot gettin' names o' the contestants.

Ah decided tae pit the wind instument players on early as it looked as if they micht no' hae enough pech tae last if they got intae the fortifications too lang. We stertit aff wi' Joey McNulty wha' said he wid play "The flight o' the Bumblebee" on his tuba. Noo ah don't know if ye live near an airport, but ah thocht it wis a 747 comin' in tae land on the roof. Thankfully it didnae last long as he got that carried away wi' it that he fell aff the end o' the stage an' got stuck aroon' the belly wi' the tuba. Whit a panic! He looked like a crab on its back wi' his airms an' legs wavin' aboot in the air as he tried tae get up. Big Jim saved him tho' as he ran ower wi' some chip dip an' ladled on Joeys' belly an he slipped oot like a bairn oot it's mammy. Aw'body gied him a big haun anyway, an' Jim got a free pint for his quick thinkin' wi' the dip.

Then we had a few o' the usual anes that fancy themsel's as singers. Joe Coady had set up his Karaoke machine so the back-up wisnae bad, but the "singin" left a lot tae be desired. There wis a young lassie there fae Nippers harbour that sounded jist like "Lulu' fae back hame in Glesca', but unfortunately she had a great big plook on her nose an' it kinda distractit ye awa' fae the singin'. They wern'y that bad tho' if ye went up tae the bar tae load up wi' some mair beer tae dull the sound.

Jist then for a change o' pace ah decided tae get the ventriloquist up. He had the place spellbound!! Ye could hear a pin drap as he went through his patter wi' the dummy. Aw' hauns were mesmerised tryin' tae see his lips move. It wis amazin' no' even a twitch! The applause wis thunderous as he feenished. He had tae get back on as they were stampin' their feet an' shoutin' for mair. So he got back up for an' encore. Noo he had been on the stage for quite a while by this time an' it seemed tae me that the dummy wis gettin' tired as it wis talkin' slower an' slower aw' the time, an' it's voice wis gettin' lower. Folk were beginnin' tae smell a rat!!!
Eventually it slowed doon that much ye couldnae understaun' whit it wis sayin'. The ventriloquist said thanks very much an' jumped aff the stage an' headed for the back door but Big Jim wis there an' grabbed him on the way oot, but he slipped oot o' his grasp as Jim still had chip dip on his hauns. He managed tae haud on tae the dummy tho' an' when we ezamined it we discovered that the sneaky bugger had planted a wee tape recorder in its heid an' wi' the extra time it took for the encore the batteries had ran doon.

He nearly pulled it aff, the wee bugger, but we aw' had a braw laugh aboot it an' there wis nae hard feelin's.

Aye!! We like a good scam in oor wee toon.

Ah'll tell ye mair anither time. Ah.m awa' for a pint. Slainte.